I think I am crazy. My therapist doesn’t think so… I disagree. Crazy is defined as…
1. Affected with madness; insane. (That sounds like me. They don’t medicate the sane people, do they?)
2. Informal Departing from proportion or moderation, especially:
- a. Possessed by enthusiasm or excitement: I am crazy about therapy, blogging, and Coca-Cola.
- b. Immoderately fond; infatuated: I am crazy about my clowns. Don’t judge me. M’kay?
- c. Intensely involved or preoccupied: I am crazy about writing, food allergies, and frugal living.
- d. Foolish or impractical; senseless: I’m crazy for thinking I will become something great.
n.pl.cra·ziesOne who is or appears insane: To my therapist, I am not crazy, just very passionate.
like crazyInformalTo an exceeding degree: I am blogging away like crazy!.
See!? I am crazy. My therapist told me to journal and for some time, I didn’t do it because I didn’t feel like it, didn’t want to, didn’t see the point… then I thought, “Might as well. What’s it going to hurt? It’ll just be another blog for people to read. And maybe my therapist will see the real person that I am the other 167 hours a week. You can’t REALLY get to know someone in an hour a week.
She’s awesome. But she really doesn’t see me like I really am. She sees the person who feels better sitting in a room with another person, safe from the outside world. She doesn’t see the person who has a nervous breakdown. She doesn’t see the woman who is sitting, curled into a ball under blanket, shaking and crying because she can’t handle the pain of real life.
She sees me. But she doesn’t see the woman who has to force herself to leave her house. She doesn’t see the woman who is afraid of the sunshine. She doesn’t see the person who freezes in place when someone talks to her, who stutters and murmurs when she has to answer a question. She doesn’t see the woman who is so terrified of meeting new people for fear they will hurt her.
That is me. That is the person I am. That is what I want her and the whole world to see. Not the medicated woman who can sort-of function on courage in pill form.