Questions From This Week … Answered!

I get questioned throughout the week about my blog and posts. My squirrel, Sparky, working in the background suggested that I make a post each week of the questions people asked. Her thinking was, if one person asked you, other people may want to know too. Good idea!

How is this different from MAILBAG! posts? These weren’t sent through email, comments, or any other social media site. These are questions my friends and family members asked in person, through text messages, or in chat.

Question 1: Did you reschedule the sleep study?

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Mushrooms and Vitamin D

Since I am severely Vitamin D deficient (mine was 6 the last they checked) I have tried vitamin D supplements. All of them make me sick.

  • I feel like I have the flu
  • My skin feels like it is on fire
  • My skin hurts
  • My body aches
  • My bones hurt!
  • My eyes feel like sunshine is coming out of my eyes.
  • I am so exhausted that I can’t stay upright.

But since we are left with “try mushrooms and lichen” or “get shots and dialysis”, I decided to suck it up and try my damnedest to suffer through some mushrooms charged with Vitamin D.

Mushrooms and Vitamin D.jpg

I did a lot of research on this and found that if you take mushrooms (Portobello and shiitake are what I am going for) and lay them upside down in the sunshine (stems removed) they create Vitamin D. Then you eat them and VOILA Vitamin D supplement that is as natural as I can get.

One problem. Every time I eat the mushrooms, I feel like crap. Not as bad as the other supplements but I still feel ill. Compared to above:

  • My skin doesn’t burn (that’s a positive)
  • My skin doesn’t feel like it’s on fire.
  • It does itch though but very mildly.
  • My body aches but not as severe.
  • My bones do not hurt.
  • I am still exhausted but not all the time. I comes and goes in waves.
  • My eyes feel puffy but not bad.

BUT it does have a few other side effects.

  • My stomach and abdomen does this weird flip-flop thing where it feels like there are spasms running through them, like I am getting kicked in the gut, then I am hit with MASSIVE waves of nausea and dry heaving.
  • I get a fever. Usually mild. The worse was 102.4 or something close.
  • I feel like I am freezing to death.

I am debating now how much of this I can tolerate. I am still doing it a couple of times a week (because I can’t feel like shit 24/7). The symptoms last about a day. I am planning my mushroom doses with when I need to be active and marijuana is helping with most of the symptoms.

If this doesn’t bring my Vitamin D up into a better range, I am seriously going to have a sobbing break down… snot bubbles and all!

Just thought I would update since today was a mushroom day and I wasn’t able to post earlier because of it. So, about two days a week, I may skip posting. I am planning for that.

FAQ: Are You Okay? Why Are You Crying?

This frequently asked question is something I hear a lot. Like A LOT! I figured I would make a post on it and get it all off my chest for today.

Are you okay?

I will be fine. I am tough. I have been through a lot in my life. If I can survive that, I can survive anything. I always have good days. Just some of those days have moments.

I was going to put a meme here. But they are all so depressing! Holy crap! The quotes for this one are morbid.

Why are you crying?

Because I need to. It’s how I stay strong.

Because I am thinking about my hopeless future. Not trying to sound like Dotchi Downer… but I am being honest here. My future plans are bleak. I am planning on becoming homeless and living in my van. I am actually quite excited about this. Every one else, not so much.

Everyone else wants me to think positive and plan on living in a house or a mobile home or something… riiiiiight, cuz money grows on trees, guys! I kind of need to have a steady income to plan for a future doesn’t include me living in a van.

poor meme   Google Search

I mean, I can plan to live in a house all I want. As soon as I don’t have an income and can’t pay rent/mortgage, I will be evicted and will be homeless. Instead of going through all that, I will happily plan to live in my van.

I cry because I just need to feel it for a moment and get it out of my system so I can keep going every day. I mean, I can only pretend that everything is fine for so long.

I cry because I am in pain. Not just sometimes. All the time. Every minute of every day. It doesn’t go away. Ever. While I can hold back the tears most of the time, there are days when the pain is a little too much to handle any more.

pain meme funny   Google Search

I can’t live my life always high. I need to have hours each day where I can function normally and get things done. But I pay for it in severe pain. Even crocheting sends me into tears.

pain advice meme   Google Search

I have heard it all too.

“Exercise will help.” I can do light exercise. Beyond that, I would just hurt myself to the point I can’t move for days without bursting into tears from the pain.

“You should move to somewhere you can get a job.” I have applied for jobs all over the place for the last four years. Every week I search for jobs I can do. I send out applications. I send out resumes. Moving is not going to help me get a job when no one will hire me.

ND hahaha

“You should do something from home.” I am trying that. But I am finding that any crafts I make at home, I cannot sell for a price that will help me pay the bills. Here is an example: On a GOOD week, I can make four bags a week. In person, no one wants to pay over $25.

That’s $100 a week, IF I could continue making that many a week, I never had bad weeks, and I am able to sell every single bag I make. That covers rent. What am I supposed to do for electric? Internet (to sell some online for a little more)? And every medical bill that I simply can’t pay?

“You should apply for disability.” Been there. Done that. Have you actually tried that? No wonder so many people are homeless with disabilities. I paid into the system for years and I get NOTHING!

There are plenty of people I know who need it and do get it. But I also know people who cannot work and can’t get it. I have watched people become homeless in the process… which is where I am heading… because it’s impossible to get disability. And don’t get me started on the judge in my case!

And every other comment I keep hearing doesn’t really help either. You know what helps? Chocolate. And coffee. Or Chocolate coffee. I could live off those. Or, you know, hire me!

In case you want to hire me, here is what I can do/ cannot do:

This is not the complete list. I have to end the post eventually.

  • I can lift between 8 and 10 pounds… on a good day. Sometimes I can lift 12 pounds. It just depends on how many days I have to recover.
  • I can stand for about 30 minutes. Sometimes. Not always. But I am cool with bar stools also. And I have Lidoderm patches that help.
  • I can sit upright for about 20-30 minutes. Most of the time. Then I have to lay down for a while to calm the pain.
  • I can type. I don’t know my typing speed but most everyone I know is impressed with it. So it’s probably faster than normal.
  • I love blogging! I would blog more but I have been focusing on making things to sell and practicing other computer skills that might help me.
  • I love making memes! I use them because they make me smile and it’s easier than walking around looking for a good picture or searching through the billions of pictures I have on my computer for the right one.
  • I love photography! My camera is dying a slow death so I haven’t been taking a lot of pictures lately. But I LOVE photos!
  • I can crop, re-size, airbrush, and do other edits to photos. I am still learning some of the cooler things.

I can’t really do much most days. If I crochet, I can’t do anything else or it’s just too much.

job hunt meme   Google Search

I am better at computer work than I am at anything else if I have to be quite honest.

If you don’t hire me…

If you can’t hire me, that’s okay… I wouldn’t hire me for most jobs either. BUT, if you do hire me, I am going to throw myself into the work and do it as well as I can and try to do the best I can!

But if you aren’t going to hire me… Don’t tell me how to live my life either. I don’t need antidepressants. That’s just another bill I can’t afford. I don’t need to move because I already applied elsewhere. No one is hiring me.

If you aren’t going to hire me, please tell me so I can cry and move on to something else. Making me wait and figure it out myself is a waste of my time.

waste my time quotes   Google Search

If I am crying, I am firmly planted in reality that day. Sometimes I just need to face the cold, harsh reality of shitty life so I can go back to hoping and searching for a way to survive. Sometimes I just need to feel the pain so I can be optimistic again.

I am allowed to cry without being shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart. Their called emotions. They are totally normal. I don’t need people telling me what to do, I need coffee, a bag of chocolate, a date with Netflix, and a good cry. It gives me a mental vacation. Sometimes, that is all I really need.

Some days, I need to relieve the emotional pain so I can live every day with the physical pain and still force myself to smile. You can add that to my list of talents.

fake a smile quotes   Google Search

 

 

 

Photo A Day: Howl

image

Remember in The Revenant when Leonardo DiCaprio went down the river through falls and all that? This is where it was filmed.

See the people? That’s for size comparison. It was beautiful there.

Why “howl”? Because I had a howling good time… and then I was howling in pain lol. I way WAY over-did it yesterday.

Rambling Thoughts of the Day

SQUIRREL ALERT!
OMG! SQUIRREL ALERT!

I am working on the list of hobbies post… BUT it is taking longer than expected (because, you know, life).

In the meantime, I have thought a lot about my other blog and I think I should start posting once a week… or maybe every other week.

I have a mammogram on Wednesday… I think it’s Wednesday… Maybe it’s Thursday. I’ll have to look.

I was gifted a Samsung Galaxy type phone and have WordPress on it. It’s not a PHONE phone. Like, I can’t call anyone. It has no plan. BUT It is a great toy and wonderful for me to log, write, read, and all that good stuff. And the camera is AWESOME! So I may be posting more pictures on here.

I got denied disability. I still am having an issue with understanding what the judge said, since parts of it aren’t even about me, I am pretty sure. I don’t do karate. I am not in a relationship. I am not a vegetarian … not that it’s a bad thing, just… I am not. I will end up writing a long letter in reply to it, correcting all the false information. I am on page 4 and my letter is already on the second page.

image
Here is a pic of my medical cat, Gizmosis.

Well, I am done for now. Off to plan a life of homelessness. I have a van, so that is a plus. And I have about a year to plan it. This should be fun!

I am home! And exhausted! And I need to Ramble Post!

We made it home just fine. I am still exhausted from the heat and Benadryl. I have not been on that much Benadryl in a long time. I woke up each morning and took 50 mg of Benadryl. Then every drink I had (Pepsi, water, coffee, etc) had a 50 mg Benadryl mixed into it. And there were still days that my tongue and throat felt like it was swelling. My ankles and feet swelled from the heat so much that I could not put my crocs on. Don’t judge me. I have them for when my feet swell. Only I ended up wearing slipper socks because my feet wear so swollen my oversize crocs were too tight.

I spent most of the time in the apartment either crocheting, browsing Facebook, or playing Minecraft… and becoming seriously depressed. I spent a lot of time choking down tears and reminding myself that it was temporary and I would be going home soon. I have to say, the semi-colon project popped into my head a lot. I wasn’t suicidal! I want to stress that. Sometimes the semi-colon just reminds me that I can keep going because I have done it again and again… and when it looks horrible, it will get better.

Which brings me to this week. I am coming down off the Benadryl. I lost 3 pounds since I got home two days ago. I feel better pain wise and swelling wise but I still hurt enough that I am still choking down tears… even on Marijuana. I think I need to take extra doses. If I had the money, I would do that.

Today I have am appointment about my swelling and I am going to talk to my doctor about how I can’t get up for too long without my ankles swelling. I’ll see how it goes.

Wednesday I will be a bundle of nerves. I have my disability hearing. I just wonder how much Dr Vindictive screwed me over with his calling all my doctors, lying, and labeling me with a mental illness I don’t have.  I keep hearing, “Oh you will get it this time! No problem!” But I am really disheartened and I have a seriously hard time believing it. If I don’t get disability, well, I will cry for about a week and then I’ll get my big girl panties on and… plan on homelessness. I do have a year or two before it will become a reality. I will have to file bankruptcy. I would say I would be hitting rock bottom but I am already there. I’ll just have to start decorating the bottomless pit and call it “no hope/ no job/ and no one will hire me”.

So, either the blog will start directing to more happy things that make me smile or I’ll start posting my preparedness of getting my van ready to live in. I am actually looking forward to it. No sarcasm. I have worked myself into excitement over the idea of living in a smaller space that will be easier to keep up with and having my own smaller home.

On Thursday I have therapy. I am going to be a bundle of nerves. This month has been hell on me. I have no idea of my future and I do not like asking for help.

I am still trying to think of things I can do to make money. Serious things. I am crocheting but if I made a scarf, I would have to sell it for like $50 to make any money at it. None of them really made it affordable for the buyer and NO ONE here wants to pay for your time, much less the materials. So I figured the prices at minimum wage ($8.05 here), $10 an hour, and $15 an hour. If it’s $8.05 then I will add in the material prices (of the yarn, I already have needles). At the other two, I will just eat the cost of materials.

A dishcloth took me an hour to make. I don’t think any dishcloth is worth $8.05 or $10 or $15. I may be undervaluing myself or my skill but would you buy a dishcloth for $8?

A scarf took me about four hours to make. Would you pay $32 for a scarf? Or $40? Or $60?

I decided to make a fun little lap blanket. It has taken me DAYS to make. By the time I am finished, my price just for my time will be something like $320 or $400 or $600. No one is going to buy a lap blanket for that price. Or would they?

I am just feeling like a failure. Well, not really a failure because I know I have talent and I do think I do a good job at things but nothing I do will realistically make me enough money to actually pay my bills.

I get really excited once in a while about something but it quickly fades as I realize the amount of opposition I am up against. Unless I charge like $3 an hour, I am not going to sell anything. I would have to live in my van anyway.

And if I don’t get disability, I am going to feel like a complete failure. I tried finding a job. But no one will hire me (I wouldn’t hire me). I tried applying at three places I know hire disabled people. They won’t even hire me because I am too much of a liability.

I tried pep talks like, “You can do it! You can find SOMETHING you can do for work… Hell, even your aunt with Downs Syndrome has a job.” Then it dawned on me. Even my relatives with disabilities have jobs and I am still over here like, “Hey can I borrow another $5? I ran out of soap and toilet paper.”

I am depressed. I’ll be totally honest. I cry a lot these days. My eyes burn from the tears now. But I keep thinking it will get better. The only thing is, it doesn’t get better. Talent is nice and all but it doesn’t pay the bills. Sure, I can make cool things but I wouldn’t make enough money to keep a cheap apartment much less pay the bills.

So… Wednesday either I can calm down and relax or I have a good breakdown and then plan to be homeless. Either way, I am due for a really good cry with snot bubbles and all.