Java Asks “How Long Do You Rest Between Cleaning?”

I have a question … Let’s pretend that you are having a pretty good day not the best but pretty good. How long do you rest in between chores?

I got this text the other day and thought it would be better to go into details on the blog. I answered in text but it’s a shorter answer. Here it is:

Usually I work or clean for 10-30 minutes then rest for about an hour. Not even kidding. On a good day, I can rest for about 30 minutes.

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My longer answer is this…

When I was younger, I had this cleaning routine. My house looked GOOD! I was on top of the world. Now, not so much. I pick my battles with the house. I have levels of cleaning depending on how bad I hurt.

The Lowest Level: High Pain Day

On these days, I have a few lists I follow. Wake up routine, 420 List, and Before You Sleep.

My wake up routine is pretty simple now. I can do it on most of my horrible days. This is done after I go pee and take Jackjack outside to pee. This is done between the time I get up and 4:20 PM (the next list).

  • Get up!
    • Fold your blanket. I sleep in my recliner so I don’t make my bed. This is what I do instead. It becomes the dog/cat bed during the day. At night, they all sleep with me.
    • Feed Pets
    • Water Bowls
    • Scoop Poop (litter box). I’ll be honest, I do slack on this one. I try but some days my shoulders just kill me (have ever since Physical Therapy. I’ve never been the same).
    • Computer stuff (whatever I need to do that day)
  • Bathroom
    • Run a toilet brush around the toilet (usually done while I am in there)
    • Spray the tub if it needs it. (This literally takes one minute)
    • Wipe up your mess around the sink.
    • Empty the trash if needed. (I don’t empty the kitchen trash can though, it’s way to heavy for me.)
  • Kitchen
    • Did you eat something? (I have no appetite. I forget to eat)
    • Start dinner thawing or start it in the crock-pot. Plan what you are going to eat today.
    • Get someone to unload the dishwasher (I’ll explain later)
    • Load dishwasher.
    • Have someone start the dishwasher. (I’ll explain later)
  • Clothes
    • Did you change clothes? (Sometimes the answer is “Nope.” *checks box*)
    • Gather dirty laundry (on laundry day)
    • Look for dirty dishes and take them to the sink.
  • While you can still bend, tidy up the floor. Do it while you can! It will drive you nuts later!
  • Uncheck the 420 and before you sleep list.

420 Pain List

This list is all about pain management.

  • Have you taken your CBD oil?
  • Vape if you need it. 1 puff, wait 5 minutes. Repeat as needed.
  • Have coffee. How’s the headache?
  • Check the counter and sink.
  • Eat something.
  • Gather dishes and laundry. (This keeps me up and moving so I can’t just sit there and wallow in my own misery)

Before Bed or Sleep

This can be done from 420 on. It doesn’t matter when I do it, as long as it gets done.

  • Rotate dishes (someone empties, I load, someone starts)
  • Clean up the sink.
  • Clean the counters.
  • Set coffee pot
  • Set alarms
  • Scoop Poop
  • One Spot. (Put up shoes, purse, backpack, leash, coat, etc. Have it all in one spot so if you have to leave it is right there.)
  • Plan your meal for tomorrow (This is usually a mental thing. I just think, “bean burritos sound good” and that’s it.)
  • Uncheck the other lists
  • Go for a walk with Jackjack.

A note about the dishwasher.

Where I put (I’ll explain later) next to the dishwasher… this is the explaining part. I can either unload, load, OR start the dishwasher. I can’t do all three or I will be chair bound for days (or a week) from the pain. So, I have one kid unload, I load, and the other kid starts the dishwasher.

If we have a couple loads to catch up on, then the dishwasher stays parked in the kitchen (it’s a rolling dishwasher) and I will pile all the clean dishes on the deep freezer, load it again, and start it. Later, the kid that unloads can go through and put the pile of dishes away.

How I get shit done!

I’ll be honest, lately I haven’t done so well on this. But I am trying. Mostly, struggling. But still trying.

I do the basics first. That’s the three lists above. If that is all I can do that day, then so be it. That is all that gets done. If I can do more, then I use Motivated Moms to get me going and keep me motivated.

Frankly, four years of chronic pain gets to me sometimes. I don’t have pain pills to help the agony. I have marijuana and that is it. Some days, I push that to it’s limits.

I can’t clean like I could before. So using motivated moms makes me feel like less of a piece of crap. I feel like a failure because I struggle with my house. Having a check list that I can see that I am doing these chores and they got done… and it was EXTRA from my lists, that makes me not criticize myself so hard.

The rest breaks

I take rest breaks every 15 to 30 minutes, depends on how bad I am hurting. And then I stay put until the pain dies down some. That could take 30 minutes or it could take two hours. Depends on how horrible the pain is. 

If my pain is just out of control that day, I smoke and then take a nap. Some days, my kids know that I am going to be stuck in my chair all day. It happens. 

What is your cleaning like? Do you have to take breaks?

Appointment Today

I have an appointment later today with my neurologist. I am excited about this because this is the longest I have gone without a seizure.


Today was a chill day. I hurt too bad to continue moving. I slept most of the day. Probably has part to do with the low calories or maybe the shitty diet? Or could be because I sometimes can’t stay awake.

I also think it has to do with the way I am eating. In order to get enough calories each day I am eating like crap. 

So, starting tomorrow, I am going to eat how I want to eat and not worry so much about calories.

  • More water
  • Healthier food
  • Stop worrying about calories


If the doctors are that worried about my diet, they can come to my house and fix my meals… or, I dunno, listen to me and figure out why I have no appetite.

I will update later about the appointment.

Questions From This Week … Answered!

I get questioned throughout the week about my blog and posts. My squirrel, Sparky, working in the background suggested that I make a post each week of the questions people asked. Her thinking was, if one person asked you, other people may want to know too. Good idea!

How is this different from MAILBAG! posts? These weren’t sent through email, comments, or any other social media site. These are questions my friends and family members asked in person, through text messages, or in chat.

Question 1: Did you reschedule the sleep study?

Continue reading

Mushrooms and Vitamin D

Since I am severely Vitamin D deficient (mine was 6 the last they checked) I have tried vitamin D supplements. All of them make me sick.

  • I feel like I have the flu
  • My skin feels like it is on fire
  • My skin hurts
  • My body aches
  • My bones hurt!
  • My eyes feel like sunshine is coming out of my eyes.
  • I am so exhausted that I can’t stay upright.

But since we are left with “try mushrooms and lichen” or “get shots and dialysis”, I decided to suck it up and try my damnedest to suffer through some mushrooms charged with Vitamin D.

Mushrooms and Vitamin D.jpg

I did a lot of research on this and found that if you take mushrooms (Portobello and shiitake are what I am going for) and lay them upside down in the sunshine (stems removed) they create Vitamin D. Then you eat them and VOILA Vitamin D supplement that is as natural as I can get.

One problem. Every time I eat the mushrooms, I feel like crap. Not as bad as the other supplements but I still feel ill. Compared to above:

  • My skin doesn’t burn (that’s a positive)
  • My skin doesn’t feel like it’s on fire.
  • It does itch though but very mildly.
  • My body aches but not as severe.
  • My bones do not hurt.
  • I am still exhausted but not all the time. I comes and goes in waves.
  • My eyes feel puffy but not bad.

BUT it does have a few other side effects.

  • My stomach and abdomen does this weird flip-flop thing where it feels like there are spasms running through them, like I am getting kicked in the gut, then I am hit with MASSIVE waves of nausea and dry heaving.
  • I get a fever. Usually mild. The worse was 102.4 or something close.
  • I feel like I am freezing to death.

I am debating now how much of this I can tolerate. I am still doing it a couple of times a week (because I can’t feel like shit 24/7). The symptoms last about a day. I am planning my mushroom doses with when I need to be active and marijuana is helping with most of the symptoms.

If this doesn’t bring my Vitamin D up into a better range, I am seriously going to have a sobbing break down… snot bubbles and all!

Just thought I would update since today was a mushroom day and I wasn’t able to post earlier because of it. So, about two days a week, I may skip posting. I am planning for that.

What it’s Like to Witness Death

I am doing laundry today and decided to take a mini-break and watch a YouTube video. I usually look for something fun and upbeat so I don’t know why I clicked on the Buzzfeed video “What It’s Like to Witness Death“. It got me thinking about all the times I witnessed death.

Watching this, I felt so bad for the girl who saw her friend’s brother die by being crushed by a log. Her reactions as she told the story just broke my heart.

What It’s Like To Witness Death   YouTube
I just want to hug her!

The first time was when my son died at five days old in my arms. Other times were as a Nurse Assistant in nursing homes. I think that working there, while it was a great experience, really messed with my head. I witnessed so much death that it became a sobering reminder of how cruel this world can be.

The worst one I can think of.

The one that haunts me to this day was a lady. We’ll call her Myrtle (because I suck at picking random names.)

I always had this philosophy about caring for people who were mean. Every day was a new day. So greet them like you would a friend because maybe they were just having a bad day the last time. And always treat them kindly, no matter what. Myrtle tested me on this every time.

Myrtle was a crotchety old bat. She was mean, verbally and physically abusive, and wheelchair bound. Every time I had her, I had to get help because she just hated me. There were days she took her mean streak to evil levels. I never hated any of my residents… but I was getting close to it with her.

Then she took a turn for the worse. She lingered for a couple of weeks and we thought she would die any day. Every time we took care of her, changed her, or anything else, she would throw weak punches and cuss us out in a whisper and then pass out from the effort.

Toward the end of her life, I actually felt so bad for her and grew to feel for her. I went home each night and cried a little because it was so taxing to watch.

The last day, I went in to check on her because it was obvious she wasn’t making it much longer. She looked me dead in the eyes with a panic look on her face and said, “I need a preacher before I die.”

I am a reverend  and I told her that I am. I was worried she wouldn’t want to talk to a female reverend but she motioned me over. I was expecting her knuckles to crack my jaws or something, but no. She asked me to hold her so she could confess her sins so she could get into heaven.

I immediately sat down next to her and took her into my arms and then asked her to tell me why she thought she wouldn’t get into heaven. The things she said in the next 15 minutes… holy shit. I was blown away. I can’t put them here (confidential) but it was bad.

In 15 minutes she went from a crotchety old bat to someone who had a shittier life than I could imagine. Suddenly her hatred for everyone and everything made so much sense. I genuinely felt pain for her.

She started crying and said she was so sorry for being so mean to me all those times. She did like me but didn’t want me to like her because she didn’t want to get close to anyone. I told her I forgave her. How could I not?!

As she told all this, it seemed like some of her strength had come back. Not a lot but enough to move easier. It was like she was lifting a burden off herself.

Then we prayed together holding hands and asking for forgiveness. I even asked for forgiveness for her for anything she may have forgotten to mention and anything in her past.

She looked up at me when we were done and asked, “Do you really think I can go to heaven?”

I tasked her, “Do you feel like you have repented? Do you feel like you have God’s forgiveness.”

Her eyes welled with tears and she nodded saying, “I really do.”

I told her that I felt she would go to heaven then. She said thank you, smiled the only sincere smile I ever saw her smile, and wrapped her arms around my neck for a big hug. She gave me a big squeeze of a hug and muttered, “Thank you.” into my neck… then she died.

I had a moment of panic, checked her vitals, got the nurse (who confirmed she had passed), freaked out a little because she died on my shoulder (and really, the whole experience of it), and then went outside to calm down… nurses orders.

What I Remember Now

To this day, I still remember her. But I don’t remember her for the mean, abusive lady she was. I remember that smile. I remember the moment she looked like she had the weight of the world lifted off her shoulders. I remember that hug.

I remember the scared little lady who thought she was going to burn in hell. I remember the kindness in her eyes. I remember the warmth of her voice as she told me everything she regretted and felt bad about.

But mostly, I remember her kind smile and the relief that I forgave her for being mean to me. That totally reshaped how I saw people, especially mean people. It changed the way I forgave people.

That whole experience changed me into who I am today and I think it made me a better person.

So, thank you, “Myrtle”. I hope you found your heaven and it was all you dreamed it would be.

 

FAQ: Are You Okay? Why Are You Crying?

This frequently asked question is something I hear a lot. Like A LOT! I figured I would make a post on it and get it all off my chest for today.

Are you okay?

I will be fine. I am tough. I have been through a lot in my life. If I can survive that, I can survive anything. I always have good days. Just some of those days have moments.

I was going to put a meme here. But they are all so depressing! Holy crap! The quotes for this one are morbid.

Why are you crying?

Because I need to. It’s how I stay strong.

Because I am thinking about my hopeless future. Not trying to sound like Dotchi Downer… but I am being honest here. My future plans are bleak. I am planning on becoming homeless and living in my van. I am actually quite excited about this. Every one else, not so much.

Everyone else wants me to think positive and plan on living in a house or a mobile home or something… riiiiiight, cuz money grows on trees, guys! I kind of need to have a steady income to plan for a future doesn’t include me living in a van.

poor meme   Google Search

I mean, I can plan to live in a house all I want. As soon as I don’t have an income and can’t pay rent/mortgage, I will be evicted and will be homeless. Instead of going through all that, I will happily plan to live in my van.

I cry because I just need to feel it for a moment and get it out of my system so I can keep going every day. I mean, I can only pretend that everything is fine for so long.

I cry because I am in pain. Not just sometimes. All the time. Every minute of every day. It doesn’t go away. Ever. While I can hold back the tears most of the time, there are days when the pain is a little too much to handle any more.

pain meme funny   Google Search

I can’t live my life always high. I need to have hours each day where I can function normally and get things done. But I pay for it in severe pain. Even crocheting sends me into tears.

pain advice meme   Google Search

I have heard it all too.

“Exercise will help.” I can do light exercise. Beyond that, I would just hurt myself to the point I can’t move for days without bursting into tears from the pain.

“You should move to somewhere you can get a job.” I have applied for jobs all over the place for the last four years. Every week I search for jobs I can do. I send out applications. I send out resumes. Moving is not going to help me get a job when no one will hire me.

ND hahaha

“You should do something from home.” I am trying that. But I am finding that any crafts I make at home, I cannot sell for a price that will help me pay the bills. Here is an example: On a GOOD week, I can make four bags a week. In person, no one wants to pay over $25.

That’s $100 a week, IF I could continue making that many a week, I never had bad weeks, and I am able to sell every single bag I make. That covers rent. What am I supposed to do for electric? Internet (to sell some online for a little more)? And every medical bill that I simply can’t pay?

“You should apply for disability.” Been there. Done that. Have you actually tried that? No wonder so many people are homeless with disabilities. I paid into the system for years and I get NOTHING!

There are plenty of people I know who need it and do get it. But I also know people who cannot work and can’t get it. I have watched people become homeless in the process… which is where I am heading… because it’s impossible to get disability. And don’t get me started on the judge in my case!

And every other comment I keep hearing doesn’t really help either. You know what helps? Chocolate. And coffee. Or Chocolate coffee. I could live off those. Or, you know, hire me!

In case you want to hire me, here is what I can do/ cannot do:

This is not the complete list. I have to end the post eventually.

  • I can lift between 8 and 10 pounds… on a good day. Sometimes I can lift 12 pounds. It just depends on how many days I have to recover.
  • I can stand for about 30 minutes. Sometimes. Not always. But I am cool with bar stools also. And I have Lidoderm patches that help.
  • I can sit upright for about 20-30 minutes. Most of the time. Then I have to lay down for a while to calm the pain.
  • I can type. I don’t know my typing speed but most everyone I know is impressed with it. So it’s probably faster than normal.
  • I love blogging! I would blog more but I have been focusing on making things to sell and practicing other computer skills that might help me.
  • I love making memes! I use them because they make me smile and it’s easier than walking around looking for a good picture or searching through the billions of pictures I have on my computer for the right one.
  • I love photography! My camera is dying a slow death so I haven’t been taking a lot of pictures lately. But I LOVE photos!
  • I can crop, re-size, airbrush, and do other edits to photos. I am still learning some of the cooler things.

I can’t really do much most days. If I crochet, I can’t do anything else or it’s just too much.

job hunt meme   Google Search

I am better at computer work than I am at anything else if I have to be quite honest.

If you don’t hire me…

If you can’t hire me, that’s okay… I wouldn’t hire me for most jobs either. BUT, if you do hire me, I am going to throw myself into the work and do it as well as I can and try to do the best I can!

But if you aren’t going to hire me… Don’t tell me how to live my life either. I don’t need antidepressants. That’s just another bill I can’t afford. I don’t need to move because I already applied elsewhere. No one is hiring me.

If you aren’t going to hire me, please tell me so I can cry and move on to something else. Making me wait and figure it out myself is a waste of my time.

waste my time quotes   Google Search

If I am crying, I am firmly planted in reality that day. Sometimes I just need to face the cold, harsh reality of shitty life so I can go back to hoping and searching for a way to survive. Sometimes I just need to feel the pain so I can be optimistic again.

I am allowed to cry without being shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart. Their called emotions. They are totally normal. I don’t need people telling me what to do, I need coffee, a bag of chocolate, a date with Netflix, and a good cry. It gives me a mental vacation. Sometimes, that is all I really need.

Some days, I need to relieve the emotional pain so I can live every day with the physical pain and still force myself to smile. You can add that to my list of talents.

fake a smile quotes   Google Search

 

 

 

Photo A Day: Howl

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Remember in The Revenant when Leonardo DiCaprio went down the river through falls and all that? This is where it was filmed.

See the people? That’s for size comparison. It was beautiful there.

Why “howl”? Because I had a howling good time… and then I was howling in pain lol. I way WAY over-did it yesterday.

50 Questions: A Deep Dark Secret

Share a secret you’ve never told anyone. Until now…

I was pondering this question for a while. I am an open and honest person. Sometimes to the point of it being a fault of mine. If you ask me a question, I will tell you the answer. It might not be the answer you were looking for, but I will tell you anyway. After all, you asked for it! So, I thought about all the secrets I could tell you guys.

Had a son who died because I took him off life support… nope, already told that.

All my medical conditions… talk about them all the time.

My children… talk about them all the time too.

My ex… talk about him some too.

There really isn’t anything very secretive about me at all. And then I had a conversation with someone (who wishes not to be named on my blog) about life, death, poverty, and self-image; and it hit me! I know what secrets I am going to share. I say secrets because they go hand in hand. Get the happy pills ready… here we go!

Death is not an end

This isn’t really a huge secret. Many people believe in an afterlife. But I do remember things that aren’t from this life. I remember them vividly. I have had out of body experiences and near death experiences. I can tell you that is what shaped my beliefs, partly. This is why I would never commit suicide. You can kill your body, but the soul continues on and you will be reborn into something or someone. Your energy is what makes you who you are. Not so much the body. The body is just a physical experience you claim before you are born.

Call me crazy all you want but, I warned you about that when I called my blog “Crazy Woman’s Journal“.

Let’s say you have a shitty life and you decide to off yourself. You will get to redo the life over again. Maybe not the exact same life, but one with similar problems. You can get a new life here in this time or in an alternate universe. It won’t matter if you kill yourself because you will get to redo it over and over until you live the life you are supposed to complete.

Analogy time! Your life is a series of books…

It would be like if your life were a series of books. You were reading through the books and decided in book 3 that you didn’t want to read them anymore and threw them in the trash. You went to the life library and picked a new set of books and started reading. But damn it! These books are following the same story line as the last series. You toss that set in the trash too and go back for another series to read.

This next series is JUST like the last two series. Same type of characters, same settings, and I swayer to you, the story is the same as the first two. Only this time you begrudgingly finish reading the series to learn something amazing, some life altering experience that you didn’t expect.

So, while the books sucked at first, and droned on in some areas, and one chapter just described a cat’s fur, the story line (as a whole) has a purpose.

That purpose sometimes sucks

While some lives are meant to change something or be amazing, other lives are a form of punishment. I call this idea “The Good, the bad, and the ugly”.

The Good

Some people get to have amazing lives with “demons” they still have to battle or overcome. They might create a mega-company that changes the world. They might become doctors who revolutionize cancer treatments. They might be some guy who discovers something great but it’s not recognized in this life. They might be an artist who touches many. There are so many great lives people can live.

The Bad

Then there are the shitty lives where you just seem to suffer, can never get ahead, or spend the rest of your life in jail or as a slave. These lives aren’t pointless though. They have meaning too. They serve a purpose. Sometimes they are for you to learn some lesson about hardship.

Like, how to live frugally… or how to survive in the mountains after a government overthrow… or how to live homeless… or how you can survive living in chronic pain even though it sucks ass… or to teach you to stand up for yourself when you have lived an oppressed life… or how to change your way of thinking and not be so closed-minded… or a chance to fight in a revolution and help make a change.

The Ugly

It can also be a punishment. It’s a life meant for paying a karmic debt, for lack of a better word.

Let’s say that you had a life where you decided to try making lamp shades out of your friend’s skin and stew out of there brains and vital organs. In that life, you got away with it and caused a lot of pain to many people, not just the one’s you killed off and consumed. Their families, their friends, the community, the state, the nation… everyone who was effected by your murderous, carnivorous, interior decorating spree adds to your karmic debt.

If, in that life, you were caught, went to jail, found remorse, and tried to better yourself; your karmic debt would be less. But that life, you managed to evade police, killed a puppy or ten for fun, set random fires that no one linked to you, and basically were just a psychopathic asshole. Your karmic debt would probably follow you through several lives of becoming Mother Teresa or Princess Di before you would be out of karmic debt.

Not all karmic debt if that extreme though. Sometimes you just suffer through a disease but end up beating it because your karmic debt is paid. Or you have a series of bad things happen but nothing that sends you to a padded room. It’s things that you survive and make it through… and then you help others get through the same thing and your karmic debt gets better each time.

Basically, it’s complicated.

Deep Dark Secret #2: My Karmic Debt

I sometimes jokingly say that whatever I did in my last life must have been horrible to deserve such a shit life like this. But honestly, I don’t think it was really that bad because I could have it much worse. 

I do honestly think that this life is here as part of a karmic debt and part as a lesson that I have not figured out yet. Whatever I did in a past life wasn’t heinous like the murderous example above but it hurt a lot of people nonetheless and now I am paying my debt.

I am assuming here… It probably has something to do with medical since I am living with so many medical problems and I have a hard time with doctors treating me horrible. It probably has something to do with affection since I have trouble bonding with people. Or maybe those are just random forms of punishment that were doled out it has nothing to do with that at all.

Anyway, I do believe that this life is a punishment (for lack of a better word) where I am paying my karmic debt. I have trouble seeing myself as anything good which, I think, is part of the debt. People tell me I am talented, amazing, and all sorts of amazing things but I just can’t see it. I wish that for one day, I could see myself through someone else’s eyes.

Here is a minor example. I drew this picture of my cat, Sweetie. People say it is amazing and I did a great job. I don’t see it. I don’t see why it is so good. I can see all my mistakes though.

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I think the disconnection I feel is just a part of my karmic debt. I can connect just enough so that I am not completely isolated emotionally. But, if I bond with someone or get close to them, they are taken away in one form or another. I am supposed to be alone this life (this much I know). At some point I may bond with someone and they won’t disappear, and then I will know my karmic debt is paid. It may not happen in this life. If it doesn’t, then I know it will happen early in my next life and we will be very close.

Until then, I only have enough bonding to keep me from going insane. When I meet a person that I instantly feel like I could bond with, I find myself pushing them away. Not because I don’t want to have a bond with people but because I don’t want my friends to keep dying off at an amazing rate and in violent manners. I imagine that the person who pushes back and won’t go away… I imagine that is the person that will help me see my worth and finally have my debt paid.

So, if you are my friend and wonder why I tend to run away and not get close to you, this is why. It’s my punishment. And I am sorry for it but I don’t know how to change it, or make it better, or make my friends stop disappearing, or make them stop dying, or make them stay without clinging to them so much that they start to hate me. But mostly, I am sorry.

I don’t know what karmic debt I am repaying but I hurt someone really bad and now, I am paying for it with this life. There are no words that can convey my sorrow.

My Ex is Awesome.

Most people would not call their ex “awesome” but I can honestly say my ex is AWESOME! I have Fibromyalgia, seizures, chronic pain (to name the big three) and have one heck of a time staying upright long enough to blog or work on my writing.

He heard my lamenting loud and clear! I miss blogging! But since it is not my income, I cannot justify sitting up and hurting myself long enough to get a post out.

So guess what he did. He bought me an RCA Voyager touchpad as my holiday gift. I had been playing around with it and I excitedly report to you all that I can blog! I can blog while sitting reclined in my chair! I can blog without having to ask someone to help me lift my laptop that sits on a heavy piece of wood!

I CAN BLOG!

Know what that means? Starting 2015, I have no excuses to not blog. So, stating January 5, 2015 I will be posting regularly. I set my start date for the 5th so I can get an early start on my blog and keep myself motivated.

See you all then!