Oh My Pain! Does It Ever Stop?

I thought I would take a moment and post a rambling about pain. I think the last few days has been horrible because my pain levels are somewhere between “Owie” and “EFFING SHOOT ME!” Right now, my lower back and hips feel like they are on fire with a sharp, piercing pain. My upper back still hurts just not as bad today. Of course, I took muscle relaxers so I will be fine eventually.

Just when I thought the pain was subsiding, I started sneezing from outdoor allergies. Man, that was something else. Usually it’s one or two, sometimes three, sneezes. This last set LMAO, it was like my brains were trying to escape. My sinuses actually hurt a little from it. But this pain I can handle. It’s more annoying than anything.

But sitting here, it started me thinking. Why am I in so much pain? I mean, I know that I hurt a lot, but it seems like lately, it is full body pain. Head to toe, feels like I got hit by a Mack Truck. My spinal bones feel like they are breaking, my muscles feel like they are burning, I can’t do anything without making the pain worse (and I mean ANYTHING) and I feel like my body is revolting against me.

Then I started thinking about it… Oh yea, it’s summer! No wonder I hurt so bad! But still, I shouldn’t hurt like this. I am wondering if it is linked to my vitamin D deficiency. I am off to research, because seriously, what else am I going to do?

And I decided to start a line of children’s books! Just a little something to keep me occupied. I’ll post more later.

Too Much Weekend!

Saturday was a busy day. It started out normal, like any other Saturday. Then Curly came over to talk to Marie. Curly mentioned that there was a lady at her house again. I was catching some of what was going on, but not all of it.

Let’s backtrack for a moment: the night before, at about 3 a.m., someone knocked at my door. Not too many people come over at 3 in the morning but I answered it anyway. This lady, we’ll call her Lela, is standing in the hall of my apartment building and looked like she was on something. She asked if Curly was here. I told her she had the wrong apartment. She was so wasted that she couldn’t comprehend what I was saying, then started to get upset, started rubbing her face and said “Sorry, wrong apartment.” I asked who she was looking for and she couldn’t answer that. Then she asked where the next apartment building would be. Really? She was so wasted she couldn’t walk outside and locate a BUILDING! I walked her halfway there and went back home.

Back to Saturday: So Curly wasn’t sure if it was the same lady or if it was someone different. Marie said she would go look and see. I just had this feeling in my gut so I handed my phone to Marie and told her to take it “just in case”. Then I went back to plunging laundry in the bathroom.

Marie and Curly left and after a while, Marie came back carrying Baby G, Curly’s son. My heart sank. I knew something was wrong. I asked what happened. Marie said that Lela choked on lettuce, or something, and they had to call 911. So I run over there.

The scene… the lady choked on a piece of lettuce because she took a handful of pills and chased it with vodka. We aren’t sure if she was trying to kill herself or what. I kicked into “get information/ keep her alert” mode. I sat on the chair and held her hand and asked her a ton of questions. She flat-out lied on a couple of them, but the rest were helpful. The EMT showed up and got her to the ambulance.

Before they left, we told them about the pills and vodka. Curly and Tom also told them that Lela was not allowed to come back.

After they left, we found out she had taken some of Curly’s medicine that she has for a legitimate reason and we also learned that she is homeless and mooched off people a lot.

I went back home to destress and finish the laundry. We were all a little freaked out about it. I was relaxing in my chair after laundry was done and decided to put the new ointment on my feet again. It’s a steroid cream that helps my eczema. I was hoping it would work and my feet would clear up nicely… I am not that lucky though. My feet kept burning and went into a gasping episode. I finally started putting two and two together and called the nurse hotline.

While on the phone with the nurse, she could tell I was having trouble breathing and told me to take my epi-pen. I don’t like to take my epi-pen because I spend so much time second guessing myself. Am I REALLY in need of the epi-pen? Or is it “all in my head”? If I take it, will they just lecture at the hospital or will I be taken care of? Do I really need it or am I just over-reacting?

Ah, the life of the psychologically abused. I tend to never trust myself with my health. Leave a dying woman in my care, I am right there in full crisis mode ready to help! Leave me alone in an acute allergic reaction, I will question and second guess until it turns into a real emergency because I have been conditioned never to trust myself, my instincts, and to doubt everything I think. I need to work on that.

I did call 911 from my son’s phone, and I was on the phone with 911 when the phone decided to reboot on me. Completely disconnected my call. You would be amazed at the response time when you are on the phone with 911 and the phone goes dead while you breathlessly explain that you took an epi-pen dose from allergic reaction. It was SO fast! I tried calling back on my phone but it wouldn’t connect. Or so I thought.

But the ambulance showed up and they got  me loaded into the rig.  Started taking vitals and my phone rang. It was dispatch. I explained that I was the one who called before, my son’s phone disconnected, and I was in the ambulance and was okay. She was pleased to hear that and we hung up.

I spent two hours at the hospital being monitored since I also took Diphenhydramine before they got there. I ended up getting home late at night with all the kids that showed up at the hospital. I think I traumatized poor LeBraun (who watched me shot myself with my epi-pen). And Marie got to the hospital and said “I leave for TEN MINUTES and when I come back there’s an ambulance! TEN MINUTES!” LOL Poor girl, she was a little freaked out.

Leeli is still talking about the IV I had in my arm LMAO! That poor kid. He was so grossed out.

Sunday was a sleep day and a “finish the laundry from yesterday” day. I have to make an appointment for my follow-up now and I have therapy later today. I’ll also see if there is something else I can do for my feet.

But for now, I am off to sleep a little more. I am so tired!

I am so Irritable!

I am not sure what is wrong with me but, I am really agitated the last few days. Everything is making me angry and it’s little stupid things too. It’s not just the big stuff. Yesterday I made a batch of brownies. I REALLY wanted some brownies! I miss my homemade brownies that I made when I lived in Tennessee. Those are made with wheat flour though. So I have tried new recipes now and then to find one that is just as good as mine.

Testing… and failure!

The batch came out of the oven and looked like melted chocolate lava. It was bubbly and liquid like with a crunchy island crust on the top. I waited about 2.4 seconds before trying it anyway. I blew on it. I ate a bite. Then I spit it out. It tasted horrible! I wanted GOOD brownies. These tasted just like box brownies (which I hate the taste of). So… everyone else loved them. But, I was so disappointed I could have cried. I wanted delicious, ooey gooey goodness filled brownies that melt in your mouth and make ice cream on top, covered in chocolate syrup, look  and taste like a little slice of heaven. I wanted brownies that make you want to orgasm in chocolate flavored deliciousness when you sink your teeth into it. I did NOT want brownies that tasted like they came out of a box. I was so sad and angry… it was actually probably a bit of an overreaction, to be quite honest. But I miss brownies!

You have no idea how hard it is to not eat food that you enjoyed and you miss.

I have a rule of not bringing food into my house. Everyone breaks it. And I do mean everyone. I don’t mind my roommate bringing in food because 1) she is careful and 2) she asks before she brings it in. But it irritates the core of my very being to sit and watch people eat. I have tried to do the whole mind-over-matter, telling myself that “they are eating poison”, finding an alternative that works just as well, and other things that do help. But there are some things you cannot replace. How do you replace Doritos? You don’t. And they make a mess. Days after they are eaten, I am still cleaning up orange, toxic powder from all over the living room furniture. I am not being dramatic. I am being serious. It leaves welts on my son’s skin.

I also don’t like it when people bring their sandwiches over. My roommate is the only person who is super careful about it. Other people bring their sandwiches here and when they leave, I am left cleaning up bread crumbs. My skin is currently peeling off my hand from this. Why do people not get this? Please stop bringing food into my house! How hard is this to understand?

Let’s Pretend with ALLERGIES! AKA If Your Life Sucked as Bad as Mine

Let me explain this a little better. Imagine that you are in a room with people. This room is in your house… we’ll pretend it’s in the living room. And every one of those people are going to sit in every seat in your living room, including your sacred chair. You know what I mean. That one chair that is your chair and your chair ONLY. That one that you paid a ton of money for because it stands you up, massages your back, and heats your back… yea, that chair. They are sitting in your chair.

Now, imagine your favorite food. That dish that, if you were a little hungry, you would gleefully devour in about 2 bites or less… plate, fork, spoon, and all. That dish that is your absolute FAVORITE dish of all time. That one that will never be the same if you change the ingredients. There is just no way in the world to replace this food. If you aren’t following me on this part, pretend it’s corn. Your favorite food is corn. Okay? And its powdery corn or something…

Now, imagine that you are hungry… just a little hungry. Not starving to death, just a little hungry. It’s right before dinner and food is cooking and you are looking forward to eating. Now imagine that each person broke out your favorite dish and all of them got a nice heaping serving of it and ate it in front of you while you got to eat… nothing. You get nothing. Okay okay! You can have a small cup of water with unflavored gelatin in it and maybe a smidgen of sugar. Now sit quietly and chew your sugar-water and quit complaining. Other people are happily eating your favorite dish. Quit being such a party pooper.

Wait… What?

Sounds harsh, right? You are thinking, “I wouldn’t do that to a friend!” and “How horrible!” or something like that. Well, the people I know just think “Meh, just cuz she can’t eat it, don’t mean I have to go hungry.” And then there is probably some of you who are thinking “just take a bite and take Benadryl!”

If you try to sneak a bite, your skin will peel off, you will vomit for 30 minutes, your face will swell until duck lips look tiny in comparison. You will be covered in a burning, itching rash and you will poop out the liquid acid of death. Your gut will cramp so bad that you will wish you were dead, or at least giving birth so you have a reward in the end. You will have a few moments where you cannot breathe at all and your entire body hurts so bad, all the way to your bones, that tears run down your purple face as you violently shake and you will start to wonder if you are going to pass out or start gasping for air first… It’s not worth it.

AND while you are watching everyone else eat, you pray to whatever god you worship that they clean up well when they are done. If they don’t, you will be walking through your house with a little mine field all around you. Touched a chair without realizing that they touched it without washing their hands and rubbed a little corn juice on it and BAM!, your covered in a rash, your skin is peeling off, etc.

Now, just imagine yourself and your guests who come over and imagine everything you touch all day long. Think about your living room and what you touch when you are in it. Put powder on your hands and try going through your living room one day. Your hands touch all over the place. Now, that favorite chair of yours is suddenly a toxic threat. It’s covered in poison.

People don’t understand that being allergic to some things actually turns that thing into poison to you. If I were to sit down and eat Doritos, it would be like consuming poison. If I ate peanuts (and I did accidentally), I would be in the hospital. If I touch turkey, I go into fits where I am gasping for air and I can’t breathe! While all of my allergies are not this extreme, for the ones that are this extreme, is it too much to ask people to have a little respect? A little common courtesy?

Is It Too Much To Ask?

It’s not like I go into a restaurant and ask people not to eat their food in front of me. I don’t go to people’s houses and ask them to not eat in front of me. I am in my apartment. I am asking you to not contaminate my living space, my safety zone… my “bubble”, if you want to call it that. Is that too much to ask?