I have been logging my food faithfully for the week. I started out horrible on my calories but finally got it up there. My goal each day is to hit 1500 calories. Here is how I did for the week.
I am thrilled that I did get over 1,000 every day. Don’t get me wrong there. I even celebrated the day I went over 1500! But I am so bummed that I can not get to 1500 every day (And I am not sucking down butter just for calories).
Like, I see so many people stressing over, “Oh man, I went this many calories over my limit.” and I am kind of envious. I wish I could go over 1500 calories. It happens like once a month. And it only happens because I eat cookies and soda for a day. And I STILL don’t get 2000, but at least I get over 1500 those days. In the last year, I went over 2,000 calories ONCE.
I wouldn’t stress about not enough calories but I gain weight when I am not getting enough. I am so frustrated.
If I eat enough to hit 1500, I start throwing up because I just can’t eat that much food. I want to! I love food! I would eat like a pig if I could. But I just can’t. It just sits in my stomach for awhile. I either don’t eat much or I end up puking it back up the next day. Neither is a good choice.
I would go to a doctor but they don’t really do anything. They say my GI is working fine. After all, those three bites of egg emptied from my stomach just fine. All eggs do. They shoot through me like you wouldn’t believe. (They put in my chart that I had toast and jelly too. Nope. Just egg.)
But I can’t eat eggs all day. Or maybe I could, but I don’t like them that much. So I am stuck trying to find the highest calorie foods to eat and hoping I can eat it.
You know what’s weird… I forgot what it’s like to feel hunger. I even tried to go without eating until I felt hungry. After, I think, three days I gave up and ate something because I was starting to get dizzy.
But, there’s nothing wrong with me. So I just have to force food through my system. Right? Right. Eat until I puke and then eat something else. Eventually something will stick.
At least with tracking my food that I eat, I can find patterns. Like, when I eat oatmeal, I get less calories that day than usual (by about 500). That is why I stopped eating oatmeal. Maybe I should start adding sugar to my coffee again. It’s empty calories but at least it’s calories.
Signing off – Trying not to puke – Going to take a walk
46. Create a post asking for advice on something that’s troubling you.
It’s not something that is bothering me but it something my friend and I were talking about the other day. We would like to hear your ideas on it.
Java and I were talking about medicines that we take because both of us have upcoming doctors appointments. We were comparing notes. I take Benadryl and it makes me tired. She takes Benadryl and she is wired for sound. We were comparing differences, discussing what medicines we take for what problems, and comparing symptoms to conditions we both have.
Then, as we usually do, we changed subjects and started talking about commercials. This lead us into medicine commercials. You know the ones… “Do you feel nauseous? You need Heavehalt. Talk to your doctor today!”
Okay, while this is still related to the post, this just reminded me of a YouTube video byIISuperwomanII. She is hilarious. I love her videos!
She did one on different types of commercials and the first one is about medical commercials and how what they are telling you does not match what you are being told in the commercial.
We were discussing the side effects that they mention, that you may have, before they suggest talking to your doctor about Insertamedicinehere. The issues we have with these commercials are
They are trying to sell medicine. That should be your doctors thing. Not a company. But I will skip that for a minute.
The symptoms are usually vague when they mention them. Back pain, nausea, sudden urge to urinate, feeling tired, etc. Who hasn’t had those?
They tell you to talk to your doctor to see if Medicineyoudontneed is right for you right after listing all these vague symptoms.
So here is what we are wondering. For people with chronic health problems, how would you know when to talk to your doctor or if it’s just a part of [insert medical condition here].
For example, if a medicine says, “Do you have muscle aches and pains?” That goes with severe vitamin D deficiency and Fibromyalgia. Sometimes it goes with epilepsy too.
The Question: When do you talk to your doctor?
How would I know my muscle aches and pains are normal Fibromyalgia pains and when it’s a pain I need to see my doctor for?
If you have chronic health issues, at what point should you go to your doctor?
Since living here, I have learned not to go to the doctor for anything. If I can handle it at home, I am not going. I’ve taken epi-pens to the leg, downed some Benadryl and Ranitidine, and hoped it kicked in fast enough rather than go to the ER here.
I will deal with pain at home. It has to actually make my life a living hell before I will go to the doctor.
It’s not that I don’t trust the doctor I see now. I do! But from past negative experiences with the medical care here, I am very leery of going to an appointment to ask about anything. It’s that psychological abuse that Dr Vindictive put me through. I recognise this. I acknowledge it. Still doesn’t make it any easier to go to a doctor when I should.
Which is why Java and I thought this would be a great question to ask.
At what point do you go to the doctor about your symptoms?
Thursday was hard for me. It was therapy day so I got to talk about some of the things I am doing, things that are bothering me, and how I am going to be a nomadic hermit. Is that a thing? Because I feel like I could make that a thing.
Then I got home and exhaustion hit again. I slept some more. Got up feeling all emotional and went to Facebook to see anything happy. Here is a list of people I follow and why:
Sister-in-laws and brothers raising their babies
Friends raising their kids.
Sisters and brothers because I love seeing what fun stuff is going on in their lives.
My mom because she is super awesome!
My nieces and nephews (all 300 kajillion of them) who are adults now because it is fun to see the people they are growing into.
A friend I have known since I was 13 post about her cats (I love cats!) and her son.
Various family members for their blogs, positivity, fun posts, happy quotes, etc.
A friend who updates on her friend’s babies health struggles. I follow the friend and the child’s family life story as it unfolds.
So I hop onto Facebook and what do I see in my news feed? Not one positive thing at all. Every post was racist, homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic, and flat out mean spirited. I tried adjusting my news feed to “most recent” and got the same posts. I scrolled down until the posts started repeating. I refreshed the page. Nope, still the same freaking posts. Here is a sample of what they were:
A post about how horrible gay people are with a comment about how he should have been allowed to finish the job. (I am bisexual. This was beyond offensive.)
A post about a stabbing in another country.
A post about how we need to ban knives if we are going to ban guns.
A post about how Trump is right and will fix all this by kicking all the (I forget who but I think it was Muslims) out of the country.
It just kept going and seemed to get worse the further down I went. Not one update about family, friends, humor columns, blog writing, cats, loving people, gay pride, etc. Nothing. Not one damned positive thing. I had to go to specific profile pages to see anything positive and when I returned to the news feed, it was the same hateful diatribe that it was before.
I ended up thinking to myself that I needed to just get off of there and do something else. But first, I posted this status update
What happened next?
I worked on a post when a chrome notification popped up that a cousin had replied to my post. I thought, “Well, it’s my post… so I’ll go look.” We chatted for a few rounds and went back to the post.
I saw another notification pop up and it is someone who is really funny. He replied to my post. I had to see what funny thing he posted and this is what he left.
I laughed so hard! Thank you, Zack! I can always count on you to make me laugh.
Then I started getting tagged in various post comments around Facebook. Space things, beautiful pictures, inspiring stories, and a hilarious video of round animals. Along with this comment posted to the status.
Someone else sent me private messages about her health update and it was super positive! Then we sent GIF animations to each other, getting sillier and sillier as time went on.
My mom sent a happy meme that made me smile…
And I had someone text me privately to make sure I was okay.
I can’t tell you how much that all meant to me. You guys are all so awesome. I have the best support network.
About an hour later, my news feed was back to how it usually is. Some happy, some funny, some hateful, some gay pride, some babies, some love, some silly pictures, and everything looked great.
If this is some Facebook experiment, they are seriously fucked up for doing shit like this to people who suffer from depression, anxiety, and mood disorders. Are they trying to coax people into killing themselves?
I am not suicidal… but let’s say someone was suicidal and they logged onto Facebook for support, looking for something to cheer them up, and give them a reason to live. And let’s pretend that they logged in during a particularly hateful news feed spread like what I experienced.
Who’s to say that isn’t the last straw that pushes them over the edge and makes them actually kill themselves?
As for me?
My mental health is too precious for me. I will go on Facebook a couple times a day but I won’t be on as much. I can’t handle it. If Facebook would quit treating people like lab rats, then I would consider being more active. Until then, I have to protect myself.
This frequently asked question is something I hear a lot. Like A LOT! I figured I would make a post on it and get it all off my chest for today.
Are you okay?
I will be fine. I am tough. I have been through a lot in my life. If I can survive that, I can survive anything. I always have good days. Just some of those days have moments.
I was going to put a meme here. But they are all so depressing! Holy crap! The quotes for this one are morbid.
Why are you crying?
Because I need to. It’s how I stay strong.
Because I am thinking about my hopeless future. Not trying to sound like Dotchi Downer… but I am being honest here. My future plans are bleak. I am planning on becoming homeless and living in my van. I am actually quite excited about this. Every one else, not so much.
Everyone else wants me to think positive and plan on living in a house or a mobile home or something… riiiiiight, cuz money grows on trees, guys! I kind of need to have a steady income to plan for a future doesn’t include me living in a van.
I mean, I can plan to live in a house all I want. As soon as I don’t have an income and can’t pay rent/mortgage, I will be evicted and will be homeless. Instead of going through all that, I will happily plan to live in my van.
I cry because I just need to feel it for a moment and get it out of my system so I can keep going every day. I mean, I can only pretend that everything is fine for so long.
I cry because I am in pain. Not just sometimes. All the time. Every minute of every day. It doesn’t go away. Ever. While I can hold back the tears most of the time, there are days when the pain is a little too much to handle any more.
I can’t live my life always high. I need to have hours each day where I can function normally and get things done. But I pay for it in severe pain. Even crocheting sends me into tears.
I have heard it all too.
“Exercise will help.” I can do light exercise. Beyond that, I would just hurt myself to the point I can’t move for days without bursting into tears from the pain.
“You should move to somewhere you can get a job.” I have applied for jobs all over the place for the last four years. Every week I search for jobs I can do. I send out applications. I send out resumes. Moving is not going to help me get a job when no one will hire me.
“You should do something from home.” I am trying that. But I am finding that any crafts I make at home, I cannot sell for a price that will help me pay the bills. Here is an example: On a GOOD week, I can make four bags a week. In person, no one wants to pay over $25.
That’s $100 a week, IF I could continue making that many a week, I never had bad weeks, and I am able to sell every single bag I make. That covers rent. What am I supposed to do for electric? Internet (to sell some online for a little more)? And every medical bill that I simply can’t pay?
“You should apply for disability.” Been there. Done that. Have you actually tried that? No wonder so many people are homeless with disabilities. I paid into the system for years and I get NOTHING!
There are plenty of people I know who need it and do get it. But I also know people who cannot work and can’t get it. I have watched people become homeless in the process… which is where I am heading… because it’s impossible to get disability. And don’t get me started on the judge in my case!
And every other comment I keep hearing doesn’t really help either. You know what helps? Chocolate. And coffee. Or Chocolate coffee. I could live off those. Or, you know, hire me!
In case you want to hire me, here is what I can do/ cannot do:
This is not the complete list. I have to end the post eventually.
I can lift between 8 and 10 pounds… on a good day. Sometimes I can lift 12 pounds. It just depends on how many days I have to recover.
I can stand for about 30 minutes. Sometimes. Not always. But I am cool with bar stools also. And I have Lidoderm patches that help.
I can sit upright for about 20-30 minutes. Most of the time. Then I have to lay down for a while to calm the pain.
I can type. I don’t know my typing speed but most everyone I know is impressed with it. So it’s probably faster than normal.
I love blogging! I would blog more but I have been focusing on making things to sell and practicing other computer skills that might help me.
I love making memes! I use them because they make me smile and it’s easier than walking around looking for a good picture or searching through the billions of pictures I have on my computer for the right one.
I love photography! My camera is dying a slow death so I haven’t been taking a lot of pictures lately. But I LOVE photos!
I can crop, re-size, airbrush, and do other edits to photos. I am still learning some of the cooler things.
I can’t really do much most days. If I crochet, I can’t do anything else or it’s just too much.
I am better at computer work than I am at anything else if I have to be quite honest.
If you don’t hire me…
If you can’t hire me, that’s okay… I wouldn’t hire me for most jobs either. BUT, if you do hire me, I am going to throw myself into the work and do it as well as I can and try to do the best I can!
But if you aren’t going to hire me… Don’t tell me how to live my life either. I don’t need antidepressants. That’s just another bill I can’t afford. I don’t need to move because I already applied elsewhere. No one is hiring me.
If you aren’t going to hire me, please tell me so I can cry and move on to something else. Making me wait and figure it out myself is a waste of my time.
If I am crying, I am firmly planted in reality that day. Sometimes I just need to face the cold, harsh reality of shitty life so I can go back to hoping and searching for a way to survive. Sometimes I just need to feel the pain so I can be optimistic again.
I am allowed to cry without being shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart. Their called emotions. They are totally normal. I don’t need people telling me what to do, I need coffee, a bag of chocolate, a date with Netflix, and a good cry. It gives me a mental vacation. Sometimes, that is all I really need.
Some days, I need to relieve the emotional pain so I can live every day with the physical pain and still force myself to smile. You can add that to my list of talents.
This year that I am leaving behind was complete and utter shit. There is no time to wallow in despair though. I am facing the future. It looks brighter anyway. Either that’s a good thing or that’s a train about to run my over. Whatever. It’s better than 2015. Here is what is in my future!
Wait, this isn’t a bad thing. I have to get ready for being homeless soon. I figure I have a year and a half to two years to prepare. I have a van. I have done this before. I am actually kind of excited! Continue reading →
Years ago when I was in therapy, I would write letters to myself as if I was writing it to someone else who was in my position. What would I say to them?
I know this is stressful but you will make it through the day tomorrow just fine. You might cry. That’s okay. This is perfectly normal. I would worry about you if you didn’t cry!
Just remember, you have a plan of action for if you get disability and you have a plan of action for if you don’t get disability.
Your world isn’t going to end if you don’t get it. You still have support from your ex who is awesome at helping you out when you need it. You will still have a place to live, food to eat, people who love you, internet, clothes, your cute little cats, and lot more.
Just look at this as a way to help you decide what to do next. Remember how you would give the boys tests for homeschool and they would freak out? And you would tell them not to worry because it wasn’t a test to see how they were doing, it was a test to show you what you needed to teach them next. Look at this as not a hearing. It’s a way to help you decide which path you need to follow on life. Are you going to have disability and a stable life? Or do you need something else?
Either way… Here is a little crochet heart to take with you. It is to remind you that you still have support and love from a lot of people.
Yes, it is stressful. But it isn’t determining if you live or die… it is just determining what adventure you will have next.
We made it home just fine. I am still exhausted from the heat and Benadryl. I have not been on that much Benadryl in a long time. I woke up each morning and took 50 mg of Benadryl. Then every drink I had (Pepsi, water, coffee, etc) had a 50 mg Benadryl mixed into it. And there were still days that my tongue and throat felt like it was swelling. My ankles and feet swelled from the heat so much that I could not put my crocs on. Don’t judge me. I have them for when my feet swell. Only I ended up wearing slipper socks because my feet wear so swollen my oversize crocs were too tight.
I spent most of the time in the apartment either crocheting, browsing Facebook, or playing Minecraft… and becoming seriously depressed. I spent a lot of time choking down tears and reminding myself that it was temporary and I would be going home soon. I have to say, the semi-colon project popped into my head a lot. I wasn’t suicidal! I want to stress that. Sometimes the semi-colon just reminds me that I can keep going because I have done it again and again… and when it looks horrible, it will get better.
Which brings me to this week. I am coming down off the Benadryl. I lost 3 pounds since I got home two days ago. I feel better pain wise and swelling wise but I still hurt enough that I am still choking down tears… even on Marijuana. I think I need to take extra doses. If I had the money, I would do that.
Today I have am appointment about my swelling and I am going to talk to my doctor about how I can’t get up for too long without my ankles swelling. I’ll see how it goes.
Wednesday I will be a bundle of nerves. I have my disability hearing. I just wonder how much Dr Vindictive screwed me over with his calling all my doctors, lying, and labeling me with a mental illness I don’t have. I keep hearing, “Oh you will get it this time! No problem!” But I am really disheartened and I have a seriously hard time believing it. If I don’t get disability, well, I will cry for about a week and then I’ll get my big girl panties on and… plan on homelessness. I do have a year or two before it will become a reality. I will have to file bankruptcy. I would say I would be hitting rock bottom but I am already there. I’ll just have to start decorating the bottomless pit and call it “no hope/ no job/ and no one will hire me”.
So, either the blog will start directing to more happy things that make me smile or I’ll start posting my preparedness of getting my van ready to live in. I am actually looking forward to it. No sarcasm. I have worked myself into excitement over the idea of living in a smaller space that will be easier to keep up with and having my own smaller home.
On Thursday I have therapy. I am going to be a bundle of nerves. This month has been hell on me. I have no idea of my future and I do not like asking for help.
I am still trying to think of things I can do to make money. Serious things. I am crocheting but if I made a scarf, I would have to sell it for like $50 to make any money at it. None of them really made it affordable for the buyer and NO ONE here wants to pay for your time, much less the materials. So I figured the prices at minimum wage ($8.05 here), $10 an hour, and $15 an hour. If it’s $8.05 then I will add in the material prices (of the yarn, I already have needles). At the other two, I will just eat the cost of materials.
A dishcloth took me an hour to make. I don’t think any dishcloth is worth $8.05 or $10 or $15. I may be undervaluing myself or my skill but would you buy a dishcloth for $8?
A scarf took me about four hours to make. Would you pay $32 for a scarf? Or $40? Or $60?
I decided to make a fun little lap blanket. It has taken me DAYS to make. By the time I am finished, my price just for my time will be something like $320 or $400 or $600. No one is going to buy a lap blanket for that price. Or would they?
I am just feeling like a failure. Well, not really a failure because I know I have talent and I do think I do a good job at things but nothing I do will realistically make me enough money to actually pay my bills.
I get really excited once in a while about something but it quickly fades as I realize the amount of opposition I am up against. Unless I charge like $3 an hour, I am not going to sell anything. I would have to live in my van anyway.
And if I don’t get disability, I am going to feel like a complete failure. I tried finding a job. But no one will hire me (I wouldn’t hire me). I tried applying at three places I know hire disabled people. They won’t even hire me because I am too much of a liability.
I tried pep talks like, “You can do it! You can find SOMETHING you can do for work… Hell, even your aunt with Downs Syndrome has a job.” Then it dawned on me. Even my relatives with disabilities have jobs and I am still over here like, “Hey can I borrow another $5? I ran out of soap and toilet paper.”
I am depressed. I’ll be totally honest. I cry a lot these days. My eyes burn from the tears now. But I keep thinking it will get better. The only thing is, it doesn’t get better. Talent is nice and all but it doesn’t pay the bills. Sure, I can make cool things but I wouldn’t make enough money to keep a cheap apartment much less pay the bills.
So… Wednesday either I can calm down and relax or I have a good breakdown and then plan to be homeless. Either way, I am due for a really good cry with snot bubbles and all.
What was that one time you told a huge lie and kinda got away with it?
Can I be real for a minute here? Usually I work hard at not lying. Ask for something factual and I will tell you the answer as factually as I can. Ask for my opinion and you will get it whether you like it or not. I’ve lost friends from this.
I did finally think of a big one I get away with a lot though.
When people ask me how I am doing, I don’t know if it’s social training or what… but I say, “I am fine.”, smile, and ask how they are. I say this even when I am sad, depressed, or having a lot of anxiety.
It’s not that I am intentionally lying. It’s just that saying “I am fine” is so much easier than being honest. Who really wants to hear, “Horrible! I am so stressed from no income, no one will hire me, and I have no idea how I am going to survive with all this pain and the epilepsy… and I really miss driving!”
I really don’t think anyone wants to actually hear how I am really doing … but, I also can’t think of a way to say, “Life sucks but I keep slogging along.”
Mind if a ramble for a minute? Well, I am going to anyway.
There are days, like the other day, where depression just knocks me down for the count and I find it impossible to do anything. I cry a little every day. It’s not that I need medication, it’s just that I was a lot more excited about life before Dr. Douche reminded me of how little value I have. I STILL have a hard time with that. I mean, if that is how other people see me, how much worth do I really have? Am I really just the crazy person that doesn’t deserve a say so in her life? Is that really how people see me?
Little things like that will send me in depression quickly. I really don’t feel I have much self-worth. I know other people love me and think I am amazing and talented. I do not though. And every time I start to feel like that, some asshole comes along that reminds me how delusional it is to think of myself as anything other than dirt.
I fully understand that this is a form of society ideology that I am imposing on myself. I get that. But after years of being put down and ridiculed for so long, trying to love yourself if very hard. It really doesn’t take much to remind me how low I feel on the totem pole of life. There are all the animal guides that show… then there is me. I am the one under the dirt that no one sees.
This is how I see myself. Why? Because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never get anywhere in life. Because I am so depressed lately that the only thing I get remotely excited about is planning my homelessness. I should really write a post about that.
Every day I am reminded of how hard it is to get anything done because I hurt so bad. Every day I struggle to feel alive. Every day I look at my house and wish I could get up and organize or rearrange just a little and I know I can’t and never will be able to again. Every day, lately, I have cried a little because I either hurt too much or I feel hopeless.
I can’t force myself to feel joy about anything anymore because when I do, I feel pretentious. I almost feel like if I have a good day, someone is going to knock me back in my place.
Even when I am poor, it’s like I have to actively be poorer just to make others happy. Since I am on food stamps (something that kills my soul a little every day) people flip out if I have a cell phone. No matter that I paid for it and my ex keeps it on for me. I should wear rags and sit on the corner with a little tin cup shaking what little change I got from passing strangers. Society views on poverty are truly fucked up.
I almost feel like I would feel better about myself if I was homeless and living in my van. I wouldn’t be asking for anything. I wouldn’t be bothering anyone. I would be able to live off the food stamps I have each month. Or not. I would have to work on that. If I was homeless, I wouldn’t have to worry about rent. I could be self-sufficient so anything I sold that I made would be income, not just throwing it towards things I can’t even begin to afford.
But, I digress. I really do not feel good about who I am anymore. I was doing a lot better before Dr Douche decided to remind me how low I am on the totem pole. Up until he decided to show me what a worthless piece of trash I am, I was actually feeling hopeful.
I know that is delusional thinking. Anytime I start to think positive, I am put down for it. So I do get that. I have had “delusional” hurled at me more than once. I know positive thinking is delusional thinking. I’ve heard it so many times. It drove my ex crazy that I would think positive.
But being depressed all the time sucks too. I don’t know how to balance it out. If I am too positive, I am delusional. If I am firmly based in reality and openly accept it, I am depressed. Where is the happy medium?
Now… do you really want to know how I am? Because I can totally tell you.
I figured since today is an “ass planted firmly in chair” day, I would answer a longer one and get caught up so my blogs posts are going live between two and four a.m. (That is what I am always aiming for).
Now, for the nine things I just can’t handle! There isn’t much that grosses me out (I was a CNA) so I had to go to my “anxiety inducing” list for the rest.
I Can’t Handle It #1: Decomposing Meat
I could not find an image that didn’t make me want to hurl. There are a few gory stories to go with it.
Gory Story #1: We had ran an animal rescue when I lived in Tennessee. We had a couple mom dog with puppies dropped off. There were so many dogs and we were trying to find them all homes. At one point, we had about 20 something dogs, I don’t remember how many cats, a couple birds, and some fish. All rescues! As we were finding homes for them it was getting a little easier to manage.
Every morning I would go outside, count adults, count the puppies, separate them into groups and then start feeding them all. It was a lot of work but totally worth it. One day I went outside and there was one puppy missing named Polka Dots.
I just went to Google to see if I could find a photo of any of our puppies from years and years and years ago.
I didn’t find one… BUT I did just spend about 20 minutes surfing through photos of puppies on Google Image Search.
They are so freaking adorable! I almost want one… almost.
Back to the post…
So we fed the dogs and then later we went looking for the puppy… Nowhere to be found. Understand, we lived on eight acres of land with woods on it. So the puppy could be anywhere. We looked all day. No sign of little Polka Dots.
Next day, still nothing… I think you can see where this is going, right? It was about a week later and the neighbors called us. At this point, we could smell this rotting flesh smell but could not find the source even though we all suspected it was Polka Dots. The neighbors tell us that they found the missing dog near one of the trees at the border of our properties. It had died and was decomposing. My son and I grabbed trash bags and supplies and headed down there.
Through all this story… I have been trying not to gag… Brace yourself, it gets worse. If you are easily grossed out, you may want to skip to the next (much shorter) story.
SO, we get to the tree and I am gagging from the putrid smell that is now twiddling my nostril hairs and rubbing my uvula (link to uvula for you pervs). I managed to contain my gagging and dry heaving long enough to try to get the puppy into the bag. We had gloves, a shovel, and anything else we thought would help get Polka Dots off the ground as generally speaking, I am creeped out by dead things.
My son went to just pick him up and his skin just rolled off him body leaving behind a gooey, deep reddish black, liquid mess, that started pouring out with a tidal waves of maggots squirming out behind it … I think I am going to puke … Anyway, at that point I finally lost it and threw up. The smell of decomposing Polka Dots was just too much for me. The sight of vomit covered decomposing Polka Dots and maggots covered in reddish black goo was … *dry heaves* Okay, next story… screw this. Suffice it to say, it was bad and very gory and I couldn’t handle it!
Gory Story #2: Ham in the car.
We went shopping an bought a months worth of groceries in Tennessee in July. When we got home, we emptied the car of food stuffs and put it all away. Later that month, I went to make the ham I bought only to realize it wasn’t in the freezer. I shrugged it off as something I just forgot to buy and let it go.
Mini squirrel alert! I hate that song!
By the end of the month, I made a new grocery list and we were ready to go shopping again. Part of getting ready to go was cleaning out the car. I open the doors was hit by a wave of funk that wasn’t as bad as Polka Dots, the puppy, but I ended up puking in the yard.
The ham had rolled up under the driver’s seat and was rotting for a month in a car in the Tennessee summer heat (of like 104 with 97% humidity!). If you didn’t know me better, you would have thought I killed someone and shoved their body in the trunk of my car and forgot to dump them somewhere. It took MONTHS to get that smell out of the car!
I Can’t Handle It #2: Skunk Smell
Do I really need to give a wordy story on this one? I mean, I can’t really think of anyone who is like, “Oh em gee! I love the smell of skunk! Spray it on me, baby!”
As a side note/ slight squirrel alert: We found that Odoban in a 1:1 ratio mix with water, actually kills the smell of skunk. You have to really drench the area with it and then let it air dry.
I get nothing for saying this. I just really like Odoban.
I Can’t Handle It #3: Stupid People
I am not talking about people who have a blonde moment or a that time where you lose your train of thought. I mean those times when people argue with me over things that are stupid. Someone actually argued that eggs are dairy so I shouldn’t eat them because I have trouble with milk.
Eggs are NOT dairy. Dairy is something that comes from the mammary glands of cows like, milk, cheese, yogurt, etc. Eggs do not come from cows. It comes from chickensbutts, not cow boobs.
Or when people argue with me that I can eat a little piece of something that I am allergic to. No, no I can’t. Well, okay, technically I could but I don’t feel like dying. Thanks anyway!
I Can’t Handle It #4: Vomit
I am not googling this one either. Actually, I just did. WHY do people actually post pictures of their friends puking? They posted it on the internet. That is so NASTY! EW!
Vomit actually makes me want to vomit. Eeeew…
I Can’t Handle It #5: Crying Babies
Put the pitch forks and flamethrowers back. Before you send the death threats, this isn’t one where I would be mean about it. It’s not that I would kick a baby or something.
Hearing a crying baby makes me want to cry too. It tugs at my heartstrings. I just want to pick them up, hold them to my chest, and drip tears all over their itty bitty baby heads. And Probably snot too.
When my babies cried, I would comfort them. If they didn’t stop crying, I would just start sobbing. I can’t handle crying. Come to think of it, when anyone is crying I usually fight back tears. I am such a wuss when it comes to crying people. Babies crying will put me in tears almost every time.
I Can’t Handle It #6: Food that bleeds
I don’t eat meat very often any more. I tend to lean towards a lacto-ovo vegetarian diet. Although I do have meat a couple of times a month because when you can’t cook for yourself, you are left to the mercy of those who cook for you. Usually I just get a share of whatever they are cooking.
But if you are going to cook meat for me, it better not show up to my table still bleeding. That is so disgusting! I mean, it’s bad enough that I have to eat it and hurt afterwards. I don’t want to taste it coming back up again. Bloody beef is fucking nasty! I would rather starve.
At the request of someone I am close to, I did try it once. All I tasted was blood for days! That is truly a vile taste. I can see wanting to eat meat but for fuck’s sake cook it first!
I Can’t Handle It #7: Thinking of things to add to a list post
Usually when I write a list post, I think of the title I want to work with. Like “Weird things I found on Amazon”. Then I browse Amazon and find things like this to add to the list.
OH MY GOD! Seriously? WHY? Like who the hell would use that thing???
Then when I am done, I count up the weird things I found on Amazon and name the new post like this, “Five really weird things I found on Amazon”.
Having a number picked out for me makes my brain shut off for some reason. Nine things? I made it to #7 and I am struggling.
I Can’t Handle It #8: Trying to think of anything else for this list…
Seriously, I have run out of things for the list. Nothing really bothers me that much. For sticking around this far, here is a picture of beads I made with paper and sharpies…
I Can’t Handle It #9: Christmas Music.
Oh wait. I actually thought of one!
One that annoys the crap out of me and makes me want to hurt someone (not literally) is Christmas music.
I can not STAND Christmas music.
It is SO fucking annoying! Like, it just grates on my last damned nerve. It makes me want to listen to death metal for the whole month.
It isn’t bad enough that it’s all shit music all the time for all of December… now they have it playing in November too.
WHY do all the songs have to suck so bad? I could just lock myself in my apartment for all of December.
And another thing! Christmas is on December 25th, not all month. I get so pissy because all month people are saying, “Merry Christmas”. It isn’t Christmas yet. Shut the fuck up! I’m going to start saying “Happy New Year” all December long.
There are things in day-to-day life that really annoy me. Here are my top ten in no specific order.
10 Things that annoy me #1: Leaving the door open
When people come over, I usually yell, “Come in!” because it’s less painful than walking over to the door. When I do this, I expect you to walk in and immediately shut the door. Most people I know will open the door full swing, walk in, and leave it hanging wide open for all the cats to escape. I am not chasing them. (You let them out. You bring them back.)
It’s not just when they are coming in either. I have had people who are leaving the apartment who stand there with the door hanging wide open while they say their last good-bye and tell me what they forget to tell me and say they loved the coffee. Do that shit BEFORE you open the door, THEN open the door, get the fuck out of my apartment, and close it as soon as your two feet are out in the hallway and your body is no longer obstructing the door.
Why do people do this? Seriously! WHY!? I don’t want the hallway heat in here. Shut the fucking door!
10 Things that annoy me #2: Sitting in my chair
If you come into my home, know that there are a few rules. No smoking inside. No vaporizing inside. No peanuts, turkey, corn, or perfume allowed. And don’t sit in my chair!
I paid good money for a chair that works for my medical needs. It reclines, it has a heating pad, it has a massage feature, and it can stand me up when I can’t stand up by myself. I bought the chair specifically for me, not for my guests. I have a couch, two folding moon chairs, four dining room chairs, and two folding chairs that you can sit in. Pick one. But stay out of my chair!
If you don’t know this rule and you come over to visit and sit in my chair, when I say “get out of my chair” don’t argue with me. It’s my house! If I say get out of my chair, then GET OUT OF MY CHAIR! Don’t tell me no. I will kick you out in a heartbeat!
10 Things that annoy me #3: Wiping your hands on my furniture
I get it. You guys love to eat your very unhealthy, triangular-shaped, orange dust holders. What most don’t understand is that crap is made from corn. Since people love to argue with about ingredients, here is a link to the ingredients list. Click the little circle that says “see the nutrition info” so that you can view the ingredients list.
It has corn meal, corn oil, maltodextrin (from corn), and corn flour. How is this NOT made from corn?
If you remember up above, one of the things on the list is “NO CORN” for our apartment. That is because corn burns my youngest son’s skin like acid. He is very allergic to it.
So when people come in to visit with Doritos or Cheetos, I get upset. But when I find that dust shit on my furniture, I get angry. I have to disinfect the couch when you do that. Why can’t you just use a napkin… or not bring it in my house? Respect people and their allergies.
10 Things that annoy me #4: Arguing with me about food
I don’t care what you think when it comes to food. I have read the ingredients. I know what is in the food I am eating and in the food you are bringing into the house. Arguing with me is just going to piss me off. I am thinking of this scenario:
Friend: Want a piece?
Me: No thanks.
Friend: Why? Are you allergic to it?
Me: Yea. I am.
Friend: But I thought you could have [food they are eating]
Me: That’s store-bought so it has [ingredient I am allergic to] so I can’t have it. I can have it if I make it from scratch though.
Friend: No, it does not have that in it. It’s [name of food]. It doesn’t have [ingredient] in it.
Me: Read the ingredients.
Friend: *reads ingredients* Oh. Wow. I didn’t know that was in there. Weird.
I know! It’s like I have read the ingredients a thousand times over a decade and actually know what’s in the food you are eating better than you! WEIRD!
Or another example… and remember… this is a REAL conversation. I shit you not.
Friend: We should have spaghetti and meatballs this weekend. *holding up wheat pasta*
Me: I am allergic to wheat.
Friend: Oh, what happens if you eat wheat?
Me: First puking. Then I go into delayed anaphylaxis.
Friend: Oh that sucks! We need to find a spaghetti noodle you can have!
Me: They have rice noodles I just don’t have the brand I like right now.
Friend: Well we can find something here so you can have dinner with us this weekend.
Me: It’s a lot harder than you think it is.
Friend: OH! I know! We can get a box of that whole wheat pasta and make that for you.
Me: But I am allergic to wheat.
Friend: Yea, but it’s WHOLE wheat so it’s healthy.
Me: But I am ALLERGIC to wheat.
Friend: But if we get WHOLE wheat, you’ll be able to eat it.
Me: That’s not how it works. It doesn’t matter if it’s healthy. If I am allergic to it, then I can’t eat it.
Friend: Well, maybe just eat a little bit then.
Me: I would still go into anaphylaxis.
Friend: Even with whole wheat?
Okay, maybe I should just change this one to “Things that annoy me: Stupid People.” instead.
10 Things that annoy me #5: Having to click more than one link
I hate it when I am searching for something, like a recipe, and I click on a page in Google search. It takes me to the page but it’s just a post about how they tried the recipe and loved it. It was actually on this blog and then has you click there. So I click on that link only to find that it was another blogger and they were posting how they like it but next time they’ll change it to… CLICK… and there is the recipe… sort of. It’s actually the step-by-step guide to how this person does it. And click! And there is the recipe.
Why is it so hard to just post a link to the recipe in your blog instead of having us click through an ocean of blog posts? I end up doing this for crafts and patterns too. It is so freaking annoying. I just want to make a crochet dick! Why do I have to click on every person’s post about how cute their crochet manhood is when I JUST WANT THE FREAKING PATTERN!
And deep breath in…
10 Things that annoy me #6: When you think I should be able to XYZ
If I had a dollar for every time I hear someone says, “Well, this person is allergic to blablabla but they can eat it”. I would be a billionaire 30 times over. Just because that person is mildly allergic to the same thing I am, does not mean that I can do what they can. It also doesn’t mean we have the same reactions to the same allergen.
The time I am thinking of is when someone told me, “Well, this person is allergic to the sun and they went biking 10 miles (or whatever it was).” Well, That person is sensitive to the sun and their symptoms are mild and not at all horrible.
Want to know what happens when I go in the sun too long? See that picture? 20 minutes in the sunshine does that to me. If I medicate quickly, it doesn’t get too horrible. If I don’t, it BURNS! It hurts and feels like acid is being poured on my skin. It usually means I have a heat reaction too which leads to angioedema attacks and epi-pens and rides to the ER in an ambulance.
It’s not worth it. And no, I don’t want to sit in the shade and watch everyone else have fun. Thanks anyway.
10 Things that annoy me #7: People who won’t shut up!
I’ll admit it, I have my chatty Cathy moments. I can talk up a storm at times. But when I am watching a movie, if someone starts talking, I get really annoyed. I want to be able to hear what is going on and you talking all through it is annoying. I can’t hear what they are saying when you are blabbing in my ear.
Especially if you are telling me what is about to happen. If I wanted to hear you tell me about the movie, I’d sit and listen to you instead of watching the movie. If I am watching the movie, assume I can figure out the plot from watching the movie without your commentary.
Or, the other one that drives me nuts… when you are looking for something and you are walking around giving a running commentary.
“Okay. I looked here. I even lifted up the paper just in case. Gah! I can’t believe I lost it. It has to be here somewhere. Maybe if I check in the kitchen. I don’t think I was in there but… I’ll look anyway. Oh em gee! Marvin is going to be irritated. This is the fifteenth time that I lost it just this week.”
Shut up. I don’t need to hear your thought process. In my defense, with the chronic pain, I get sensory overload quickly. I can only handle so much noise. But having a running dialog with yourself if really annoying!
10 Things that annoy me #8: Saying you can drive me, then backing out last-minute
I can’t drive anymore because I have epilepsy. That means I am dependent on everyone else for a ride to my doctor’s appointments. I would take public transportation here but 1) You have to set up an appointment for your ride with 24 hours notice or more and 2) They are not understanding of heat allergies… at all. Because I like to not have to stab myself in the leg with an epi-pen, I ask friends if they can drive me. I pay them whatever Medicaid will reimburse me for transportation.
And what happens about 70% of the time? The person backs out last-minute, with less than 12 hours until my appointment, and leaves me scrambling to find a ride. Never freaking fails either! Why? If you say you can drive me, why back out last-minute? That is rude and not a very good friend. I could see if it were an emergency. I wouldn’t even complain about it if it were. But some of the excuses make me think that I am not really that important. Here are some of the excuses.
Oh. I forgot. (When I reminded the person weekly, then daily)
My friend needs to borrow my car. She hasn’t visited her mom in about a week.
I just don’t want to. In fact, I didn’t want to in the first place. I just didn’t know how to tell you. How about saying, “I don’t want to.” when I ask.
I don’t feel like going today.
I told someone else I would ride with them to Idaho and I would feel bad if I told them no.
And people wonder why I don’t like people. And people wonder why I don’t feel loved or important to others. And people wonder why I have low self-esteem.
10 Things that annoy me #9: People who steal from me or lie to me
This has to do with trust. I tend to trust people I meet, as a general rule. It annoys the hell out of me when people lie to me though. I am not sure if it’s because they lied or because they thought I was stupid enough to believe their line of crap. This goes for people who change their stories too. I may not say anything to you about it, but trust me, I caught your lies and story changes.
I also don’t understand why people steal from me. I have had jewelry go missing, clothes, bags of clothes, medications, entire rolls of trash bags, toilet paper rolls, bottles of shampoo, dishes, SD cards … The list is long. I could fill and entire post with things stolen from me. The thing I don’t get is… if you asked, I would give you the shirt off my back. There is no need to steal. Hungry? I will give you food. Tired? You can sleep on my bed. Need a blanket? I have plenty. Thirsty? I will give you a cup of water or coffee… and you can keep the cup.
The only thing people do by lying to me and stealing things from me, is they lose my trust. That is VERY difficult to earn back. I will probably never trust you again. More than anything, it annoys me that people are dishonest to me.
10 Things that annoy me #10: Reading over my shoulder
This is what I want to do to someone when they read over my shoulder… right here.
If I am on my computer or phone, don’t read over my shoulder. I am a private person. I like to browse the Internet without everyone looking over my shoulder. It’s rude.
I have a personal bubble and I don’t like people in that space. for this very reason, I have my chair in a corner of the living room so no one can stand behind me, breathing down my neck, viewing my Facebook as I scroll or support board that is pretty personal.
What I am doing on my computer is none of your business. So when people sit down on the couch next to my chair and stretch their neck over to see what’s going on and see what I am typing, it is annoying as hell. STOP THAT! It’s none of your business what I am doing on here. I should not have to hide my porn Facebook feed or chat from people!
There you have it. I got it off my chest and I feel better!