You know what pisses me off?

Hunger. And thirst. And having to choose… Do I want to drink a little more today than I did yesterday and then still be hungry? Or do I want to eat something and know I won’t be able to drink the rest of the day?

You know what else pisses me off? Dehydration. And the feeling that if you could stand next to a lake, you would want to drink the whole thing, if you could. And hunger… although the gnawing pain of hunger is slowly starting to not bother me anymore. But the slow and steady dehydration is annoying me to no end.

You know what else pisses me off? Stupid doctors. Not the kind of doctor that makes an honest mistake but is really trying. But the doctor that just doesn’t seem to care.

That is what I have dealt with. I went to the Emergency Room last night because I couldn’t swallow anything anymore. Let me back up and explain something.

When I first burned my esophagus, I could get fluids down my throat. Not as much as before I burned it. I would drink whatever my body weight divided in half. So I weighed 203 pounds. I was drinking 120 ounces of fluid a day. I’m dyslexic… I also like to drink stuff.

After burning my esophagus, I was able to drink 80 ounces but couldn’t eat. I was okay with this, although I really wanted to drink more. Later, I was down to 70 ounces, then 60 ounces. Now, 1 week and 5 days later (or is it 4 days?) I am so thirsty I wish I could drink. The last few days I have been able to drink (in order of days) 30 ounces, 24 ounces, 28 ounces, 20 ounces. I am so thirsty and hungry right now!

Back to yesterday. I was so hungry that I figured I would find the slickest food and eat something. I made hard-boiled eggs because they were the slickest food I had at the moment. I managed to eat a few of those. After that, I swallowed a few sips of blueberry pom juice. And then, I couldn’t swallow anymore. I was taking teaspoon sized sips of water and juice. It got to where my mouth started to feel like cotton. I started taking a sip and just holding it in my mouth because my mouth was so dry it hurt.

I debated on going to the hospital. Since I can’t take my anti-anxiety medication (because I can’t swallow pills) I couldn’t get myself to go. I finally decided to go and go brave enough to actually leave the house. I figured, if nothing else, they would do the skin pinch test and give me a bag of fluids. Right? WRONG!

I went in and explained to the nurse what was wrong. The doctor came in and said there really isn’t much he can do for me. He did give me a GI cocktail. I choked it down. Literally. I choked and gagged on it. It felt like I was swallowing rocks… but at least I was swallowing, right. I waited for it to set in like they did the time before. I figured they would bring something in when it was time to drink, like the last time.

The doctor came in and asked if I drank anything and I said no. He asked why not. Seriously? I told him there was nothing to drink and figured they would bring something when they wanted me to drink. The asshole actually scolded me for not asking for a drink!

The nurse brought in some ice-cold water. And by ice-cold, I mean “felt like razor bladed rolling down my esophagus”. I took one sip. It felt like it sat at the top of my throat for a second and then SLOWLY slid down my esophagus. The doctor asked me to take another drink. I took another sip with the same results. He asked me to take another drink. I did, with the same results. And then they released me with the instructions to drink water. You couldn’t even tell I drank anything from the bottle, that’s how little I managed to swallow. No IV fluids. He said I didn’t LOOK dehydrated. No pinch test. That’s the first thing the Navy doctors always did if you said “I feel dehydrated”. Then they’d run blood work and give you fluids until they were happy with your hydration level.

Here, at Cabinet Peaks Medical Center, I’ll have to be close to death and they probably still won’t do shit for me.

I went home, thirsty as hell, and fell asleep. I woke up this morning thirsty as hell. I’ve managed to force 16 ounces of juice down my throat. It’s starting to close again so I know I will have a few more ounces before I can’t drink anymore. I am hoping to hit 24 ounces before I can’t take anything else.

I try to always be positive, smile through everything, joke and laugh… but this time, I am over the happiness part. I am miserably thirsty. I peed once today about 5 hours ago and I have no need to go for now… or anytime soon. I can pinch the skin on the back of my hand and it slowly goes down but stops while there is still a peak. Out of boredom, I made a mountain ridge across my hand this morning just to see if I could. I can.

But what pisses me off the most is the fact that I know if I need medical care, I am not going to get even the basic care here. And that worries me. Especially now.

They shouldn’t have built a new hospital. They should have built more helicopter pads and just flown people out of here to a hospital that cares just a little bit.

I’ll be a Youtuber!

I know this isn’t logical, I really do, but I decided to do what I always wanted to do… well, at least since YouTube has been around, and make YouTube videos to journal/vlog. I mean, I know I won’t get paid, but who cares… I want to try to do something fun. My therapist wants me to explore my worth, explore what I deserve… mmm, okay. So, I figured I would do that through video blogging. I mean, I will still be writing down my thoughts too, I’m not leaving the blogging world, I just want something fun to do, something to look forward to.

I did one test on my camera LOL, I was a bit too close. But if this works, you’ll be able to see the video. Warning: I have ADD and tend to change sentence/ subject mid-thought!

This way, I can update all my blogs in a fun way, still get beading done in the “real life” instead of spending too much time writing… at least in my head that is how it’s working… and I will be happy to get to explore the vlogging world a little.

I do have anxiety about this though. I have a lot of anxiety. 1) I don’t like the fact that I am missing a lot of my teeth (not my fault) 2)… no, that’s about it. Well, not really, I also have anxiety about people looking at me. I know, it’s a not a healthy thing to obsess over… that’s one of reasons I am in therapy. It makes me all nervous and anxiety ridden to think that someone, somewhere, that I don’t know LOOKED at me. Massive anxiety attack right there. I like to walk around imagining I am in an invisibility bubble. No really, that’s how I cope.

Like I said, I know that’s not healthy… but, then too, I am in therapy, okay?

I figure, if I do this, it will help with anxiety and being a hermit/shut-in, and I can have fun with it too. I’m going to practice editing a video today to cut out all the rambling bits that I tend to do when I am talking. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Real Quick though… I am trying to do an “introduction video” about myself. My friend, Jane, suggested I could do a bunch of questions people ask. I have a list of 11 questions so far. I will reorder them before I do the video.

  1. How many kids do you have?
  2. Why are you vlogging?
  3. What do you hope to gain by doing this?
  4. What are your fears about doing these videos online?
  5. Do you still not smoke? Like, show everyone your necklace!
  6. Do you drink?
  7. What is your favorite drink?
  8. What is your favorite thing to do? (I think he meant “hobbies”)
  9. Do you crochet or knit?
  10. Do you like to read? You should do a thingy where you share what book you are reading and how you like it and what’s happening so far in the book and stuff like that. (OH! I like this idea!)
  11. You should talk about your allergies on your blog. Tell people what it’s like to live with that many allergies. (okay)

So, if you could add to the list, what would you ask? What would you want to see in an introduction video about me?

I am so Irritable!

I am not sure what is wrong with me but, I am really agitated the last few days. Everything is making me angry and it’s little stupid things too. It’s not just the big stuff. Yesterday I made a batch of brownies. I REALLY wanted some brownies! I miss my homemade brownies that I made when I lived in Tennessee. Those are made with wheat flour though. So I have tried new recipes now and then to find one that is just as good as mine.

Testing… and failure!

The batch came out of the oven and looked like melted chocolate lava. It was bubbly and liquid like with a crunchy island crust on the top. I waited about 2.4 seconds before trying it anyway. I blew on it. I ate a bite. Then I spit it out. It tasted horrible! I wanted GOOD brownies. These tasted just like box brownies (which I hate the taste of). So… everyone else loved them. But, I was so disappointed I could have cried. I wanted delicious, ooey gooey goodness filled brownies that melt in your mouth and make ice cream on top, covered in chocolate syrup, look  and taste like a little slice of heaven. I wanted brownies that make you want to orgasm in chocolate flavored deliciousness when you sink your teeth into it. I did NOT want brownies that tasted like they came out of a box. I was so sad and angry… it was actually probably a bit of an overreaction, to be quite honest. But I miss brownies!

You have no idea how hard it is to not eat food that you enjoyed and you miss.

I have a rule of not bringing food into my house. Everyone breaks it. And I do mean everyone. I don’t mind my roommate bringing in food because 1) she is careful and 2) she asks before she brings it in. But it irritates the core of my very being to sit and watch people eat. I have tried to do the whole mind-over-matter, telling myself that “they are eating poison”, finding an alternative that works just as well, and other things that do help. But there are some things you cannot replace. How do you replace Doritos? You don’t. And they make a mess. Days after they are eaten, I am still cleaning up orange, toxic powder from all over the living room furniture. I am not being dramatic. I am being serious. It leaves welts on my son’s skin.

I also don’t like it when people bring their sandwiches over. My roommate is the only person who is super careful about it. Other people bring their sandwiches here and when they leave, I am left cleaning up bread crumbs. My skin is currently peeling off my hand from this. Why do people not get this? Please stop bringing food into my house! How hard is this to understand?

Let’s Pretend with ALLERGIES! AKA If Your Life Sucked as Bad as Mine

Let me explain this a little better. Imagine that you are in a room with people. This room is in your house… we’ll pretend it’s in the living room. And every one of those people are going to sit in every seat in your living room, including your sacred chair. You know what I mean. That one chair that is your chair and your chair ONLY. That one that you paid a ton of money for because it stands you up, massages your back, and heats your back… yea, that chair. They are sitting in your chair.

Now, imagine your favorite food. That dish that, if you were a little hungry, you would gleefully devour in about 2 bites or less… plate, fork, spoon, and all. That dish that is your absolute FAVORITE dish of all time. That one that will never be the same if you change the ingredients. There is just no way in the world to replace this food. If you aren’t following me on this part, pretend it’s corn. Your favorite food is corn. Okay? And its powdery corn or something…

Now, imagine that you are hungry… just a little hungry. Not starving to death, just a little hungry. It’s right before dinner and food is cooking and you are looking forward to eating. Now imagine that each person broke out your favorite dish and all of them got a nice heaping serving of it and ate it in front of you while you got to eat… nothing. You get nothing. Okay okay! You can have a small cup of water with unflavored gelatin in it and maybe a smidgen of sugar. Now sit quietly and chew your sugar-water and quit complaining. Other people are happily eating your favorite dish. Quit being such a party pooper.

Wait… What?

Sounds harsh, right? You are thinking, “I wouldn’t do that to a friend!” and “How horrible!” or something like that. Well, the people I know just think “Meh, just cuz she can’t eat it, don’t mean I have to go hungry.” And then there is probably some of you who are thinking “just take a bite and take Benadryl!”

If you try to sneak a bite, your skin will peel off, you will vomit for 30 minutes, your face will swell until duck lips look tiny in comparison. You will be covered in a burning, itching rash and you will poop out the liquid acid of death. Your gut will cramp so bad that you will wish you were dead, or at least giving birth so you have a reward in the end. You will have a few moments where you cannot breathe at all and your entire body hurts so bad, all the way to your bones, that tears run down your purple face as you violently shake and you will start to wonder if you are going to pass out or start gasping for air first… It’s not worth it.

AND while you are watching everyone else eat, you pray to whatever god you worship that they clean up well when they are done. If they don’t, you will be walking through your house with a little mine field all around you. Touched a chair without realizing that they touched it without washing their hands and rubbed a little corn juice on it and BAM!, your covered in a rash, your skin is peeling off, etc.

Now, just imagine yourself and your guests who come over and imagine everything you touch all day long. Think about your living room and what you touch when you are in it. Put powder on your hands and try going through your living room one day. Your hands touch all over the place. Now, that favorite chair of yours is suddenly a toxic threat. It’s covered in poison.

People don’t understand that being allergic to some things actually turns that thing into poison to you. If I were to sit down and eat Doritos, it would be like consuming poison. If I ate peanuts (and I did accidentally), I would be in the hospital. If I touch turkey, I go into fits where I am gasping for air and I can’t breathe! While all of my allergies are not this extreme, for the ones that are this extreme, is it too much to ask people to have a little respect? A little common courtesy?

Is It Too Much To Ask?

It’s not like I go into a restaurant and ask people not to eat their food in front of me. I don’t go to people’s houses and ask them to not eat in front of me. I am in my apartment. I am asking you to not contaminate my living space, my safety zone… my “bubble”, if you want to call it that. Is that too much to ask?