This is a really busy week for me.
I had physical therapy yesterday. It hurt like crazy. I did the standing bicycle peddle for your hands. It hurt so bad. My Physical Therapist kept asking how I was doing. I told her each time that it was really hurting. I found myself doing the staring mantra. I stare at one spot and chant in my head to focus on anything but the pain.
The mantra… I note everything I can about whatever I am staring at. I was looking at buttons on the machine today. Round, cracked, taped over, must have a rough texture. All are red buttons. One controls the heart rate monitor… I had to ask about that. How does that work, I asked as I slowly peddled my joints into a horrible pain. My PT explained that they have a special one that hooks up to it. Anything to keep my mind off the sharp shooting pain and the tears that I am fighting back because it hurts. It really hurts! But how do you explain that to someone who probably has never had this pain? And I hum, in my head, a tune that keeps me calm… er.
But oh the pain! Every time she asked how I was doing I mentioned how bad it hurt and she stayed positive with, “Only one more minute…” OH THANK GAWD! “…and then I’ll have you start peddling backwards.” DAMN!. Mkay. And I kept going. Why? Because I don’t want to be a whiner, or a slacker. I don’t want to be the girl that gives up.
Next it was massage time. In other words, Pain time was over and now it was time for torture. I laid on my stomach as she poked up and down my spine. Now, I am not one to scream in pain, or bawl noisily when it hurts. I try to cry quietly. And I was. This was so painful, like she was poking a red-hot iron into my spine. One side, then the other. Oh the pain! I can’t even describe it. Then she massaged, which wasn’t as horrible but I know I will feel it for days. She hit my trigger points on my neck and BAM… HEADACHE! And it hasn’t gone away.
Once done she asked how I felt. She wanted to know if I felt more relaxed. No, actually I don’t. I was fighting back the rest of my tears while wiping my face. she looked mortified that she made me cry. “Why didn’t you say it was hurting?”
You want to know why? I’ll tell you why! Because it doesn’t matter one effing bit what the hell I say. I say “It hurts really bad” and I am told to push through the pain, just one for minute. It’s needed to help with my joints (which weren’t the problem… My SPINE is the issue!). Last time I took physical therapy, I said it hurt and I was told I wasn’t trying enough. So I am not going to back out because it hurts. I already said it hurts. It doesn’t go away because I stopped peddling.
And we chatted about keeping your joints loose, I mentioned that I did laundry. She commented about how that’s an easy chore (or something to that effect… affect?). Maybe for you it is. But not to me. I hand wash my clothes in 5 gallon buckets with a plunger. Trust me, my joints are worked when I do laundry.
So it’s these two choices. Say it hurts and get ignored and told to keep going. OR Don’t say it hurts and get a lecture about “we aren’t here to hurt you. We need to work on this as a team so we know when to stop.” Okay. Then when I say IT HURTS, STOP!
And then they wonder why I hate physical therapy. Now I can’t even lift my full coffee cup. I am drinking from a straw because I can’t lift the cup. It feels like my ligaments, tendons, and muscle are being ripped from the bone and like my back is going to be crushed by the rock that feels like it’s rubbing up and down my spine. How’s that for physical therapy?
Thanks. I went from being able to barely do anything, to not being able to do anything at all (except blog and minecraft). That is so fan-flipping-fabulous. One month of this and I’ll be in a wheel chair.
And even after all my bitching, I still like my physical therapist. She is a sweet person. We just have to work on the “we” part of physical therapy.
Later today I have and EEG to see if I have a seizure disorder. I am curious to see what they say and see how this is done. You would think someone would have checked before now, with all my head injuries and whatnot. At least I can say one thing good about Cabinet Peaks Medical Center. WOW! Did that come out of my mouth? Why, yes. Yes it did. Mark your calendars!
Also, last Friday my doctor said that all my symptoms are consistent with Fibromyalgia. Before this, I always thought it was a BS diagnosis for, “we don’t know why you hurt. Bam! You have a disorder.” But the more I read about it, the more it sounds like me. The long sleeps I have, the pain, the headaches, the anxiety… all of it! But I am on the meds they would treat it with, and one is an anti-epileptic drug (gabapentin) so, if I am having seizures, I am set for all my problems this week.
Okay, maybe in a month we’ll all figure out that if you touch me, that spot is going to hurt like hell for days. So, quit touching me!
For now, I am off to figure out how to get out of this outfit and take a shower when I can barely lift my arms.