23 Days of Not Smoking!

Today is the 23rd day of not smoking. I have to say, I was warned about getting depressed when you quit. I never really thought about it when I quit before, but this time it is hitting me. I think it might have something to do with no income, no hope of income, hungry all the time, trying to make bracelets to sell, and all the other crap I am going through right now. But man, it is hitting me. I will be walking to the store today for some catnip so I can make catnip tea. <— Great tip for depression!

Catnip tea is wonderful for me. I don’t know if anyone else drinks it, but I LOVE IT! It all started some time ago when my kids and I were discussing drugs and drug use. We talked about meth, cocaine, heroine… I can’t remember them all. But we discussed them, their side effects, and looked at pictures of people who did drugs. This was for a homeschooling moment, I think it was partly health and partly culture (but I can’t remember how, it’s been awhile).

When we got to the topic of marijuana, we were talking about Washington state and Colorado legalizing pot use. I told them, since I want to be honest with my children, that I never really understood all the hoopla about pot and why it’s illegal (we’ve researched… leaving politics off my blog!) and I also told them that if it were legal, I would either smoke it or get some of the oils or lotions that help with pain. I would totally go there! I also told them that I don’t smoke it ONLY because it is illegal… no other reason.

I smoked pot when I was 26 for severe migraines. The doctors gave me medicine for them but the medication knocked me out and I could not function. I had two little kids I was raising on my own and I needed to be conscious and able to sort of function. I smoked pot. It worked. One joint smoked and my migraines disappeared for MONTHS! So I didn’t smoke it daily, I smoked it when my migraines hit. I was having them daily before smoking pot. Then I figured out it was soy causing the headaches. I eliminated soy from my diet, no more migraines. No more need for pot either.

We discussed this a long time. My oldest son was curious if there was something that helps like pot and he researched and somehow ended up on a page about catnip. I made some into a tea and was pleasantly surprised at how nice it tasted. Okay, I lied… with enough honey, it tastes pretty good. By itself, not so much. But I was SO HAPPY! I felt great! And so now, I drink catnip tea for depression. It also makes it easier to breathe. I love catnip tea!

And this week, I am getting laundry caught up, dishes sorted through, and my bedroom cleaned. Since Marie moved in, we are sharing a room and I want the place cleaned up! I say that now, but considering I can only clean for about an hour or two a day before I hurt so bad I can’t function anymore, I am probably going to get half that done. I am working on it though. I am working through my pain. I am waiting for disability to figure something out. I am waiting for life to give me a break. I am waiting to win the lottery (it would help if I played)… I am just blah.

I know that spring is coming and I am not looking forward to it. The allergies going crazy, the sun coming out more, the heat coming back. This is not my favorite time of year… at all. I always get depressed this time of year. I am going to go make brownies.

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Positive Post: Good Sleep

I was hurting so bad the last few days that I could barely function. Today I finally broke down and took a muscle relaxer. I didn’t need it for my muscles though, I needed it so I could get some much needed sleep. It worked! I got 4 hours a sleep which has helped my mood wonderfully.

I Get Why People Smoke Pot

I completely understand why people in my area smoke pot so much. I totally understand it! Especially after all my experiences here. I am in chronic pain but the doctors don’t believe in pain management here.

I had three teeth pulled at a time… no pain meds for recovery. Just suffer through it. I have arthritis in my joints and back… suffer. I am in so much pain that I can’t even get my bottom half dressed by myself… suffer. I’m not asking for morphine. I just need something to get through days like this. Days where I am hurting so bad that I am hobbling through the house and limping along. Days where I hurt so bad all I can do is sit down and have a really good cry. Days when I’d love to have a bottle of alcohol to numb the pain, or just take the edge off it, for even just a bit.

I had to go pee earlier and it hurt so bad to make it down the hall that I thought I wasn’t going to make it back to my chair. When I did get back to my chair, all I could do was sit and cry. But if I go to the doctor about pain, they run blood tests, and say I don’t have arthritis. They are right… I don’t have RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS. I have OSTEOARTHRITIS. The second one doesn’t show up on blood tests. I wish I had a real doctor.

I am in so much pain today that all I can do is cry… and it dawned on me, this is why people here smoke pot. There is no help here from the doctors… at all.

He said he could give me Lyrica or Cymbalta. Hmmm, if I remember correctly, Cymbalta made me want to kill myself and Lyrica was one big, two-week long acid trip. I could taste colors! I could see sound! I ate food I was allergic to because I thought I could. Why? Because the table told me I could. Everything was beautiful and had to be touched. I felt no pain. Actually, I felt nothing at all. Got hit in the head with a football? Too busy staring at the clouds to care. Didn’t feel a thing.

No, I am not kidding. It was not a pleasant time. Wait. Yes it was. It was absolutely delightful. I enjoyed my vacation in Lala Land where everything is beautiful and I can eat whatever I want… but I was seriously a danger to myself and everyone around me. I drove! I drove to the Elementary School and picked up kids. I don’t have kids in Elementary School. Okay? At least I picked kids that knew me and took them to my friend’s house. One of them was her kid.

Seriously, this is not something I am willing to take again. I could seriously injure myself or someone else.

ALL antidepressants I have ever tried have made me suicidal. And he wants me to try it again? No thank you. I think I’d rather smoke pot. Now to figure out how to get some… oh, wait. I am a responsible parent. Damn it! That means I get to sit here and suffer. THIS is the American health “care” system we are stuck with.

And all I was asking for was something for the rough days like this. When I had hydrocodone with ibuprofen, 45 pills lasted me 4 months. It’s not like I abuse the stuff.

But, because the doctors here are SO anti-pain management, I get to suffer.

The Good and The Bad

I no longer have to worry about electricity for a while. That’s a relief. It’s paid for the next five or six months which is a huge sigh of relief for me.

I am exhausted today. Must be another painful week coming up. I actually found a great idea that I want to try too. It’s posting positive things about your day and doing an art project… It’s by another WordPress blogger and you can see the post that inspired me by clicking here. It made me think a lot. Somewhere through my tears and life’s frustrations, it gets difficult to stay positive.

So I am creating my own project! Here it is!

Each week, at the start of the week (Sunday, for me) I am going to set one goal a day. Something big, something small, whatever… And each day I am going to post something that happened that is positive. It’ll probably be an aside note. I’ll start posting quotes I like too 🙂

Since I can’t spend a ton of time on art, I plan on making one art project a week and posting it sometime during the week. I’ll try to pick a day to do this but, with trying to get so much done, I don’t know what day will be good for that. Give me a few weeks to figure that out.

The bad is, I am hurting and exhausted from this week and I have a mountain of laundry to finish. But I will get it done. I am going to do a couple of loads a day and try to get it all caught up and then try not to get behind again. One an up note… I am almost caught up on dishes and I have a list of things to post for sale on the local Facebook page, so hopefully I can get my phone bill caught up. I am crossing my fingers!

Off to go work on my quit smoking journal now. I am exploring my reality today.