Java Asks “How Long Do You Rest Between Cleaning?”

I have a question … Let’s pretend that you are having a pretty good day not the best but pretty good. How long do you rest in between chores?

I got this text the other day and thought it would be better to go into details on the blog. I answered in text but it’s a shorter answer. Here it is:

Usually I work or clean for 10-30 minutes then rest for about an hour. Not even kidding. On a good day, I can rest for about 30 minutes.

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My longer answer is this…

When I was younger, I had this cleaning routine. My house looked GOOD! I was on top of the world. Now, not so much. I pick my battles with the house. I have levels of cleaning depending on how bad I hurt.

The Lowest Level: High Pain Day

On these days, I have a few lists I follow. Wake up routine, 420 List, and Before You Sleep.

My wake up routine is pretty simple now. I can do it on most of my horrible days. This is done after I go pee and take Jackjack outside to pee. This is done between the time I get up and 4:20 PM (the next list).

  • Get up!
    • Fold your blanket. I sleep in my recliner so I don’t make my bed. This is what I do instead. It becomes the dog/cat bed during the day. At night, they all sleep with me.
    • Feed Pets
    • Water Bowls
    • Scoop Poop (litter box). I’ll be honest, I do slack on this one. I try but some days my shoulders just kill me (have ever since Physical Therapy. I’ve never been the same).
    • Computer stuff (whatever I need to do that day)
  • Bathroom
    • Run a toilet brush around the toilet (usually done while I am in there)
    • Spray the tub if it needs it. (This literally takes one minute)
    • Wipe up your mess around the sink.
    • Empty the trash if needed. (I don’t empty the kitchen trash can though, it’s way to heavy for me.)
  • Kitchen
    • Did you eat something? (I have no appetite. I forget to eat)
    • Start dinner thawing or start it in the crock-pot. Plan what you are going to eat today.
    • Get someone to unload the dishwasher (I’ll explain later)
    • Load dishwasher.
    • Have someone start the dishwasher. (I’ll explain later)
  • Clothes
    • Did you change clothes? (Sometimes the answer is “Nope.” *checks box*)
    • Gather dirty laundry (on laundry day)
    • Look for dirty dishes and take them to the sink.
  • While you can still bend, tidy up the floor. Do it while you can! It will drive you nuts later!
  • Uncheck the 420 and before you sleep list.

420 Pain List

This list is all about pain management.

  • Have you taken your CBD oil?
  • Vape if you need it. 1 puff, wait 5 minutes. Repeat as needed.
  • Have coffee. How’s the headache?
  • Check the counter and sink.
  • Eat something.
  • Gather dishes and laundry. (This keeps me up and moving so I can’t just sit there and wallow in my own misery)

Before Bed or Sleep

This can be done from 420 on. It doesn’t matter when I do it, as long as it gets done.

  • Rotate dishes (someone empties, I load, someone starts)
  • Clean up the sink.
  • Clean the counters.
  • Set coffee pot
  • Set alarms
  • Scoop Poop
  • One Spot. (Put up shoes, purse, backpack, leash, coat, etc. Have it all in one spot so if you have to leave it is right there.)
  • Plan your meal for tomorrow (This is usually a mental thing. I just think, “bean burritos sound good” and that’s it.)
  • Uncheck the other lists
  • Go for a walk with Jackjack.

A note about the dishwasher.

Where I put (I’ll explain later) next to the dishwasher… this is the explaining part. I can either unload, load, OR start the dishwasher. I can’t do all three or I will be chair bound for days (or a week) from the pain. So, I have one kid unload, I load, and the other kid starts the dishwasher.

If we have a couple loads to catch up on, then the dishwasher stays parked in the kitchen (it’s a rolling dishwasher) and I will pile all the clean dishes on the deep freezer, load it again, and start it. Later, the kid that unloads can go through and put the pile of dishes away.

How I get shit done!

I’ll be honest, lately I haven’t done so well on this. But I am trying. Mostly, struggling. But still trying.

I do the basics first. That’s the three lists above. If that is all I can do that day, then so be it. That is all that gets done. If I can do more, then I use Motivated Moms to get me going and keep me motivated.

Frankly, four years of chronic pain gets to me sometimes. I don’t have pain pills to help the agony. I have marijuana and that is it. Some days, I push that to it’s limits.

I can’t clean like I could before. So using motivated moms makes me feel like less of a piece of crap. I feel like a failure because I struggle with my house. Having a check list that I can see that I am doing these chores and they got done… and it was EXTRA from my lists, that makes me not criticize myself so hard.

The rest breaks

I take rest breaks every 15 to 30 minutes, depends on how bad I am hurting. And then I stay put until the pain dies down some. That could take 30 minutes or it could take two hours. Depends on how horrible the pain is. 

If my pain is just out of control that day, I smoke and then take a nap. Some days, my kids know that I am going to be stuck in my chair all day. It happens. 

What is your cleaning like? Do you have to take breaks?

Teresa’s Daughter Puzzle

I was told I was wrong on this… so if you can give me a second, I am going to explain the puzzle going around Facebook right now. The puzzle, that claims to “break the internet” is:

If Teresa’s daughter is my daughter’s mother, what am I to Teresa?

A. Grandmother

B. Mother

C. Daughter

D. Granddaughter

E. I am Teresa

Spoiler alert: It’s C.

Here is why.

My daughter’s mother would be… ME! So I am Teresa’s daughter. See.

Let’s draw pictures.

1

This is Teresa. First person in the puzzle. This is going easy so far.

_______________________________________________
2

This is me. Since we don’t know who Teresa’s daughter is yet, I’ll draw me since I am in the puzzle next under “MY daughter”.

_________________________________________________

3

Isn’t she adorable? I forgot to draw hair. So my daughter is bald.

_______________________________________________

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So, next thing is “Teresa’s daughter is my daughter’s mother.”

Let’s reword that…

Teresa’s daughter Who is my daughter’s mother?”

____________________________________________________

5

I am. I am my daughter’s mother. Or my lesbian lover is but she isn’t in the answers. So the answer is ME.

______________________________________________________________

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SO… if Teresa’s daughter is the same person as my daughter’s mother…

_____________________________________________________________

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Then Teresa’s daughter is me. 

___________________________________________________________

Here are the other answers thought through.

A. Teresa’s grandmother would be my daughter’s mother’s mother’s mother. Or Teresa’s daughter’s daughter’s grandmother. Not her daughter’s daughter.

B.Teresa’s mother would be my daughter’s mother’s mother’s mother. Did I lose you yet? Cuz, I seriously just gave myself a headache double checking that. I had to refer to my pictures.

D. Teresa’s granddaughter is Teresa’s daughter’s daughter. We’re talking about her daughter so it can’t be her granddaughter.

E. And Teresa can’t be her own daughter no matter how effed up and inbred the family is. That is just silly. Unless Teresa married her father, in which case, she would technically be her father-husband’s wife-daughter and that would make her her own daughter.

Lord, gimme some Excedrin!

 

50 Questions: Homelessness is a Goal, Right?

Before I dive into this one, I will try to update with a question a little more often. I’ve been exhausted and trying to make bags to sell which eats into my blogging time. Bare with me. I’ll get there.

#45 on the list is not really a question but I like it.

Set a goal, and a plan on how to get there

My goal? I am going with “Be happily homeless!”

But first… WHY?! Before you lecture me on how that isn’t acceptable as a plan, I have already heard it all. Thank you for your concerns. Without a job, with not being able to get on disability, I am pretty screwed. No one will hire me. Without an income, I have to make plans for the future that don’t include a lot of costs.

Let’s be done with that and move on to something constructive… or productive!

How to get there step 1: How can I make money?

I know, I know! No job. But I still need to be able to buy the basic needs, even if I am homeless. Mild depression, and the thought that I will never get hired for any job, has become a firm reality. I need to do something that I can do from home. Here are my list of things I can do.

  • Blog. I love blogging! Like, stick to it! Even on the bad days.
    • My goal from now on is two days a week. No procrastinating!
    • I would like to work up to three days… but for now, it will be Tuesday and Thursday. Every week!
    • I can post pictures the other days like I have done on occasions. I should probably figure out how to make money from photography.
  • Write. I am thinking of writing books. Cookbooks. Stories. Poetry. Kids’ books.
    • My goal from now on is to write something every day (or at least Sunday through Thursday)! I’ll post my goals met on Facebook or Twitter.
  • Crochet and sew. I am going to make items to sell on Etsy too.
    • My goal from now on… eh, I am working on that. Not sure what my goal should be yet. But I’ll figure it out.
  • YouTube videos. I can make those too. I actually love making videos, I just don’t share them because I am self-conscious.
    • My goal from now on is to post one video a week.
    • I would like to work up tow two a week but this will give me a chance to learn video editing and other video related things.
  • Design shirts or items to sell. (T-shirts, bags, cups, etc) Not sure if I’ll stick with the crazy theme but I like crazy. Me and crazy are good pals! Anyone want to help with designs?
    • My goal for now is to … thinking … working on this plan. It’s still a very new idea. So… keep researching!

I know these things won’t have me rolling in the dough. But any amount of money means that my family has to help me that much less.

I have friends and family helping in the background. Some are in the cheering squad. Some are going to help me get things rolling. I love my friends and family!

I can’t use Google Adsense or Amazon to help with income. So those two are out. I have to make it on my own. This is both terrifying and exciting.

How to get there step 2: Where to park my RV

I have some options here but most of them mean I would have to move from Montana. My goal will always be coming back to Montana if I have to move.

I need to survive though. I am working on this. My hope is that I can stay in Montana, or at least the Northwest. I love the mountains over here.

I love the climate. I can go outside most of the year! I am not stuck inside all the time. Living elsewhere, I would be inside eight to nine months out of the year. I don’t want to do that again.

So this is a difficult one for me. Plus, I have to make sure I move somewhere that allows marijuana (either medical or recreational). So that limits my decision also.

My first thought was if I could find a mobile home park that will let me park there and pay the low rent, I can figure out the rest later.

How to get there step 3: Think positive!

I am not really sure what else I need to do for this. I need to get rid of pretty much EVERYTHING! Frugal living is a must. Simple living is a plus. RV living is making me excited! I am so looking forward to this!

Not every day is a positive day for me though. I have many days where I am just down on myself. I have to remain positive. I have to keep telling myself that this is going to all work out. It always does. I just have to keep my chin up. Nothing is so bad that it can’t be worked through.

How to get there step 4: Everything else

There is a lot I need to figure out.

How am I going to get around if I am not allowed to drive? BIKE! Or living somewhere that has public transportation.

Selling all my stuff. I won’t have to sell ALL of my stuff. Some of it will go to my kids. Some of it it their stuff. But I need to downsize.

Deciding what I need. I NEED shelter, clothes, warmth/cold, and food. But other things will make this so much better. I have to figure out what I can live without. I can live without a microwave and other items I would miss but don’t NEED. But my coffee. I have to have coffee. There is no way around it. I can use a press though.

The need category is a tough on for me. Like, I don’t NEED internet but it is going to be how I make money. So I kind of do. There are quite a few things like that.

I need to plan when I am going to do this. I have help now but I still need to plan for the future. That is so scary. I have never been this low yet so optimistic.

Okay, readers! What am I missing? What else should I add to my list? Let me know in the comments or down below.

What it’s Like to Witness Death

I am doing laundry today and decided to take a mini-break and watch a YouTube video. I usually look for something fun and upbeat so I don’t know why I clicked on the Buzzfeed video “What It’s Like to Witness Death“. It got me thinking about all the times I witnessed death.

Watching this, I felt so bad for the girl who saw her friend’s brother die by being crushed by a log. Her reactions as she told the story just broke my heart.

What It’s Like To Witness Death   YouTube
I just want to hug her!

The first time was when my son died at five days old in my arms. Other times were as a Nurse Assistant in nursing homes. I think that working there, while it was a great experience, really messed with my head. I witnessed so much death that it became a sobering reminder of how cruel this world can be.

The worst one I can think of.

The one that haunts me to this day was a lady. We’ll call her Myrtle (because I suck at picking random names.)

I always had this philosophy about caring for people who were mean. Every day was a new day. So greet them like you would a friend because maybe they were just having a bad day the last time. And always treat them kindly, no matter what. Myrtle tested me on this every time.

Myrtle was a crotchety old bat. She was mean, verbally and physically abusive, and wheelchair bound. Every time I had her, I had to get help because she just hated me. There were days she took her mean streak to evil levels. I never hated any of my residents… but I was getting close to it with her.

Then she took a turn for the worse. She lingered for a couple of weeks and we thought she would die any day. Every time we took care of her, changed her, or anything else, she would throw weak punches and cuss us out in a whisper and then pass out from the effort.

Toward the end of her life, I actually felt so bad for her and grew to feel for her. I went home each night and cried a little because it was so taxing to watch.

The last day, I went in to check on her because it was obvious she wasn’t making it much longer. She looked me dead in the eyes with a panic look on her face and said, “I need a preacher before I die.”

I am a reverend  and I told her that I am. I was worried she wouldn’t want to talk to a female reverend but she motioned me over. I was expecting her knuckles to crack my jaws or something, but no. She asked me to hold her so she could confess her sins so she could get into heaven.

I immediately sat down next to her and took her into my arms and then asked her to tell me why she thought she wouldn’t get into heaven. The things she said in the next 15 minutes… holy shit. I was blown away. I can’t put them here (confidential) but it was bad.

In 15 minutes she went from a crotchety old bat to someone who had a shittier life than I could imagine. Suddenly her hatred for everyone and everything made so much sense. I genuinely felt pain for her.

She started crying and said she was so sorry for being so mean to me all those times. She did like me but didn’t want me to like her because she didn’t want to get close to anyone. I told her I forgave her. How could I not?!

As she told all this, it seemed like some of her strength had come back. Not a lot but enough to move easier. It was like she was lifting a burden off herself.

Then we prayed together holding hands and asking for forgiveness. I even asked for forgiveness for her for anything she may have forgotten to mention and anything in her past.

She looked up at me when we were done and asked, “Do you really think I can go to heaven?”

I tasked her, “Do you feel like you have repented? Do you feel like you have God’s forgiveness.”

Her eyes welled with tears and she nodded saying, “I really do.”

I told her that I felt she would go to heaven then. She said thank you, smiled the only sincere smile I ever saw her smile, and wrapped her arms around my neck for a big hug. She gave me a big squeeze of a hug and muttered, “Thank you.” into my neck… then she died.

I had a moment of panic, checked her vitals, got the nurse (who confirmed she had passed), freaked out a little because she died on my shoulder (and really, the whole experience of it), and then went outside to calm down… nurses orders.

What I Remember Now

To this day, I still remember her. But I don’t remember her for the mean, abusive lady she was. I remember that smile. I remember the moment she looked like she had the weight of the world lifted off her shoulders. I remember that hug.

I remember the scared little lady who thought she was going to burn in hell. I remember the kindness in her eyes. I remember the warmth of her voice as she told me everything she regretted and felt bad about.

But mostly, I remember her kind smile and the relief that I forgave her for being mean to me. That totally reshaped how I saw people, especially mean people. It changed the way I forgave people.

That whole experience changed me into who I am today and I think it made me a better person.

So, thank you, “Myrtle”. I hope you found your heaven and it was all you dreamed it would be.

 

FAQ: Are You Okay? Why Are You Crying?

This frequently asked question is something I hear a lot. Like A LOT! I figured I would make a post on it and get it all off my chest for today.

Are you okay?

I will be fine. I am tough. I have been through a lot in my life. If I can survive that, I can survive anything. I always have good days. Just some of those days have moments.

I was going to put a meme here. But they are all so depressing! Holy crap! The quotes for this one are morbid.

Why are you crying?

Because I need to. It’s how I stay strong.

Because I am thinking about my hopeless future. Not trying to sound like Dotchi Downer… but I am being honest here. My future plans are bleak. I am planning on becoming homeless and living in my van. I am actually quite excited about this. Every one else, not so much.

Everyone else wants me to think positive and plan on living in a house or a mobile home or something… riiiiiight, cuz money grows on trees, guys! I kind of need to have a steady income to plan for a future doesn’t include me living in a van.

poor meme   Google Search

I mean, I can plan to live in a house all I want. As soon as I don’t have an income and can’t pay rent/mortgage, I will be evicted and will be homeless. Instead of going through all that, I will happily plan to live in my van.

I cry because I just need to feel it for a moment and get it out of my system so I can keep going every day. I mean, I can only pretend that everything is fine for so long.

I cry because I am in pain. Not just sometimes. All the time. Every minute of every day. It doesn’t go away. Ever. While I can hold back the tears most of the time, there are days when the pain is a little too much to handle any more.

pain meme funny   Google Search

I can’t live my life always high. I need to have hours each day where I can function normally and get things done. But I pay for it in severe pain. Even crocheting sends me into tears.

pain advice meme   Google Search

I have heard it all too.

“Exercise will help.” I can do light exercise. Beyond that, I would just hurt myself to the point I can’t move for days without bursting into tears from the pain.

“You should move to somewhere you can get a job.” I have applied for jobs all over the place for the last four years. Every week I search for jobs I can do. I send out applications. I send out resumes. Moving is not going to help me get a job when no one will hire me.

ND hahaha

“You should do something from home.” I am trying that. But I am finding that any crafts I make at home, I cannot sell for a price that will help me pay the bills. Here is an example: On a GOOD week, I can make four bags a week. In person, no one wants to pay over $25.

That’s $100 a week, IF I could continue making that many a week, I never had bad weeks, and I am able to sell every single bag I make. That covers rent. What am I supposed to do for electric? Internet (to sell some online for a little more)? And every medical bill that I simply can’t pay?

“You should apply for disability.” Been there. Done that. Have you actually tried that? No wonder so many people are homeless with disabilities. I paid into the system for years and I get NOTHING!

There are plenty of people I know who need it and do get it. But I also know people who cannot work and can’t get it. I have watched people become homeless in the process… which is where I am heading… because it’s impossible to get disability. And don’t get me started on the judge in my case!

And every other comment I keep hearing doesn’t really help either. You know what helps? Chocolate. And coffee. Or Chocolate coffee. I could live off those. Or, you know, hire me!

In case you want to hire me, here is what I can do/ cannot do:

This is not the complete list. I have to end the post eventually.

  • I can lift between 8 and 10 pounds… on a good day. Sometimes I can lift 12 pounds. It just depends on how many days I have to recover.
  • I can stand for about 30 minutes. Sometimes. Not always. But I am cool with bar stools also. And I have Lidoderm patches that help.
  • I can sit upright for about 20-30 minutes. Most of the time. Then I have to lay down for a while to calm the pain.
  • I can type. I don’t know my typing speed but most everyone I know is impressed with it. So it’s probably faster than normal.
  • I love blogging! I would blog more but I have been focusing on making things to sell and practicing other computer skills that might help me.
  • I love making memes! I use them because they make me smile and it’s easier than walking around looking for a good picture or searching through the billions of pictures I have on my computer for the right one.
  • I love photography! My camera is dying a slow death so I haven’t been taking a lot of pictures lately. But I LOVE photos!
  • I can crop, re-size, airbrush, and do other edits to photos. I am still learning some of the cooler things.

I can’t really do much most days. If I crochet, I can’t do anything else or it’s just too much.

job hunt meme   Google Search

I am better at computer work than I am at anything else if I have to be quite honest.

If you don’t hire me…

If you can’t hire me, that’s okay… I wouldn’t hire me for most jobs either. BUT, if you do hire me, I am going to throw myself into the work and do it as well as I can and try to do the best I can!

But if you aren’t going to hire me… Don’t tell me how to live my life either. I don’t need antidepressants. That’s just another bill I can’t afford. I don’t need to move because I already applied elsewhere. No one is hiring me.

If you aren’t going to hire me, please tell me so I can cry and move on to something else. Making me wait and figure it out myself is a waste of my time.

waste my time quotes   Google Search

If I am crying, I am firmly planted in reality that day. Sometimes I just need to face the cold, harsh reality of shitty life so I can go back to hoping and searching for a way to survive. Sometimes I just need to feel the pain so I can be optimistic again.

I am allowed to cry without being shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart. Their called emotions. They are totally normal. I don’t need people telling me what to do, I need coffee, a bag of chocolate, a date with Netflix, and a good cry. It gives me a mental vacation. Sometimes, that is all I really need.

Some days, I need to relieve the emotional pain so I can live every day with the physical pain and still force myself to smile. You can add that to my list of talents.

fake a smile quotes   Google Search

 

 

 

Feeling More Alive!

I am starting to feel more alive now. I went through my exhausted phase again where I sleep so much I lose track of time. WOW! Is it the END on April??? WTF? Where did my time go? Oh yea, I slept it away.

I really wish a doctor would figure out what the hell this is so I can have a normal life… or at least so that people won’t think I am just being lazy. That would be awesome. Most of my friends know I can’t help it. I love them.

I got two packets of papers to fill out from disability. It took me a week to finish filling them out. Mostly because I had a panic attack when I saw all the questions. And I had to describe what I do all day from the time I get up until I go to bed. I had a nice cry one night while no one was around. It was humbling, to say the least.

Usually, I wear my smile and tell everyone I am doing great. Usually, I try my damnedest to do everything myself. This last week, I came face to face with reality… and I didn’t really like it. My roommate and my oldest son ended up helping me fill out the paperwork because I kept saying “I think I do okay with making food.” Then I got the reply, “Uh-huh. Sure you do. When was the last time you made a full meal like you used to? How long did it take you to make biscuits and gravy?” Yea, that was honest right there, but it makes me feel so low about myself. And if you are wondering… 10 days. It took me 10 days to make biscuits and gravy. Not even kidding!

But, now I wait patiently and see if I actually get on disability or if I can plan on moving into my van. No stress there… at all. *sighs*

AND THEN… Did you know you can burn your esophagus?

Yes, you can! So my youngest son made a pot of chicken (and his chicken is GOOD) and served it on a bed of rice. Oh my my! It looked so good and I hadn’t eaten anything that day because I was hurting so bad I didn’t leave my chair. I mixed the chicken and sauce into the rice, took a spoonful… I should mention that my son makes it “mom-friendly”. The chicken is so tender I don’t have to chew it. A few smashes with the tongue and down it goes. Did I mention it was straight off the pan?

Oh yes, I put straight-off-the-hot-stove food into my mouth. I went to smash it when I realized it was WAY TOO HOT! and I went to spit it out. Instead, I swallowed the flaming hot piece of chicken WHOLE! It burned ALL THE WAY DOWN! I have never felt such pain before. My eyes watered before I started crying. I chased it with ice-cold water and it felt okay. Then I let the food cool before I finished it. I thought all was okay until the next day.

I woke up and it hurt SO BAD to swallow. It felt like my esophagus lining was sloughing off when I ate anything with any amount of viscosity and then getting stuck in my throat. I knew I couldn’t just not eat so I drank juices and ate very soft foods. Baby food sweet potatoes (stage 1) were too thick for me. Don’t kid yourself thinking that juice was any better. I could feel every bit of my esophagus as it ever so slowly slid down my esophagus… like it was peeling it open as it went.

Now, usually, I don’t cry in front of people. I am very proud. I was raised that if you need to have a good cry, do it in your room or the bathroom. But while you are out in public, you hold your head high with dignity and respect. And that day, I totally failed in that aspect. I managed to swallow one teaspoon of food at a time and cried like a baby while doing it.

It was interesting to explain to the emergency room staff. They gave me a GI cocktail to numb my esophagus so I could try to eat baby food. I inhaled the next container of sweet potatoes. I was so hungry I would have eaten the spoon if I thought it wouldn’t hurt.

Now, I have viscous lidocaine to coat my throat. I am up to very mushy foods or anything slick, like avocado. I had hard-boiled eggs today, COLD, and made some mushy rice cereal too.

Don’t get me wrong, I love juice. But a solid week of juices (apple juice, sweet potato pie juice, carrot juice, celery juice) and I will take any mushy food over juice! Well, off to drink my blueberry pom juice.

I’ll try to post more this week.

I’ll be a Youtuber!

I know this isn’t logical, I really do, but I decided to do what I always wanted to do… well, at least since YouTube has been around, and make YouTube videos to journal/vlog. I mean, I know I won’t get paid, but who cares… I want to try to do something fun. My therapist wants me to explore my worth, explore what I deserve… mmm, okay. So, I figured I would do that through video blogging. I mean, I will still be writing down my thoughts too, I’m not leaving the blogging world, I just want something fun to do, something to look forward to.

I did one test on my camera LOL, I was a bit too close. But if this works, you’ll be able to see the video. Warning: I have ADD and tend to change sentence/ subject mid-thought!

This way, I can update all my blogs in a fun way, still get beading done in the “real life” instead of spending too much time writing… at least in my head that is how it’s working… and I will be happy to get to explore the vlogging world a little.

I do have anxiety about this though. I have a lot of anxiety. 1) I don’t like the fact that I am missing a lot of my teeth (not my fault) 2)… no, that’s about it. Well, not really, I also have anxiety about people looking at me. I know, it’s a not a healthy thing to obsess over… that’s one of reasons I am in therapy. It makes me all nervous and anxiety ridden to think that someone, somewhere, that I don’t know LOOKED at me. Massive anxiety attack right there. I like to walk around imagining I am in an invisibility bubble. No really, that’s how I cope.

Like I said, I know that’s not healthy… but, then too, I am in therapy, okay?

I figure, if I do this, it will help with anxiety and being a hermit/shut-in, and I can have fun with it too. I’m going to practice editing a video today to cut out all the rambling bits that I tend to do when I am talking. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Real Quick though… I am trying to do an “introduction video” about myself. My friend, Jane, suggested I could do a bunch of questions people ask. I have a list of 11 questions so far. I will reorder them before I do the video.

  1. How many kids do you have?
  2. Why are you vlogging?
  3. What do you hope to gain by doing this?
  4. What are your fears about doing these videos online?
  5. Do you still not smoke? Like, show everyone your necklace!
  6. Do you drink?
  7. What is your favorite drink?
  8. What is your favorite thing to do? (I think he meant “hobbies”)
  9. Do you crochet or knit?
  10. Do you like to read? You should do a thingy where you share what book you are reading and how you like it and what’s happening so far in the book and stuff like that. (OH! I like this idea!)
  11. You should talk about your allergies on your blog. Tell people what it’s like to live with that many allergies. (okay)

So, if you could add to the list, what would you ask? What would you want to see in an introduction video about me?

I am so Irritable!

I am not sure what is wrong with me but, I am really agitated the last few days. Everything is making me angry and it’s little stupid things too. It’s not just the big stuff. Yesterday I made a batch of brownies. I REALLY wanted some brownies! I miss my homemade brownies that I made when I lived in Tennessee. Those are made with wheat flour though. So I have tried new recipes now and then to find one that is just as good as mine.

Testing… and failure!

The batch came out of the oven and looked like melted chocolate lava. It was bubbly and liquid like with a crunchy island crust on the top. I waited about 2.4 seconds before trying it anyway. I blew on it. I ate a bite. Then I spit it out. It tasted horrible! I wanted GOOD brownies. These tasted just like box brownies (which I hate the taste of). So… everyone else loved them. But, I was so disappointed I could have cried. I wanted delicious, ooey gooey goodness filled brownies that melt in your mouth and make ice cream on top, covered in chocolate syrup, look  and taste like a little slice of heaven. I wanted brownies that make you want to orgasm in chocolate flavored deliciousness when you sink your teeth into it. I did NOT want brownies that tasted like they came out of a box. I was so sad and angry… it was actually probably a bit of an overreaction, to be quite honest. But I miss brownies!

You have no idea how hard it is to not eat food that you enjoyed and you miss.

I have a rule of not bringing food into my house. Everyone breaks it. And I do mean everyone. I don’t mind my roommate bringing in food because 1) she is careful and 2) she asks before she brings it in. But it irritates the core of my very being to sit and watch people eat. I have tried to do the whole mind-over-matter, telling myself that “they are eating poison”, finding an alternative that works just as well, and other things that do help. But there are some things you cannot replace. How do you replace Doritos? You don’t. And they make a mess. Days after they are eaten, I am still cleaning up orange, toxic powder from all over the living room furniture. I am not being dramatic. I am being serious. It leaves welts on my son’s skin.

I also don’t like it when people bring their sandwiches over. My roommate is the only person who is super careful about it. Other people bring their sandwiches here and when they leave, I am left cleaning up bread crumbs. My skin is currently peeling off my hand from this. Why do people not get this? Please stop bringing food into my house! How hard is this to understand?

Let’s Pretend with ALLERGIES! AKA If Your Life Sucked as Bad as Mine

Let me explain this a little better. Imagine that you are in a room with people. This room is in your house… we’ll pretend it’s in the living room. And every one of those people are going to sit in every seat in your living room, including your sacred chair. You know what I mean. That one chair that is your chair and your chair ONLY. That one that you paid a ton of money for because it stands you up, massages your back, and heats your back… yea, that chair. They are sitting in your chair.

Now, imagine your favorite food. That dish that, if you were a little hungry, you would gleefully devour in about 2 bites or less… plate, fork, spoon, and all. That dish that is your absolute FAVORITE dish of all time. That one that will never be the same if you change the ingredients. There is just no way in the world to replace this food. If you aren’t following me on this part, pretend it’s corn. Your favorite food is corn. Okay? And its powdery corn or something…

Now, imagine that you are hungry… just a little hungry. Not starving to death, just a little hungry. It’s right before dinner and food is cooking and you are looking forward to eating. Now imagine that each person broke out your favorite dish and all of them got a nice heaping serving of it and ate it in front of you while you got to eat… nothing. You get nothing. Okay okay! You can have a small cup of water with unflavored gelatin in it and maybe a smidgen of sugar. Now sit quietly and chew your sugar-water and quit complaining. Other people are happily eating your favorite dish. Quit being such a party pooper.

Wait… What?

Sounds harsh, right? You are thinking, “I wouldn’t do that to a friend!” and “How horrible!” or something like that. Well, the people I know just think “Meh, just cuz she can’t eat it, don’t mean I have to go hungry.” And then there is probably some of you who are thinking “just take a bite and take Benadryl!”

If you try to sneak a bite, your skin will peel off, you will vomit for 30 minutes, your face will swell until duck lips look tiny in comparison. You will be covered in a burning, itching rash and you will poop out the liquid acid of death. Your gut will cramp so bad that you will wish you were dead, or at least giving birth so you have a reward in the end. You will have a few moments where you cannot breathe at all and your entire body hurts so bad, all the way to your bones, that tears run down your purple face as you violently shake and you will start to wonder if you are going to pass out or start gasping for air first… It’s not worth it.

AND while you are watching everyone else eat, you pray to whatever god you worship that they clean up well when they are done. If they don’t, you will be walking through your house with a little mine field all around you. Touched a chair without realizing that they touched it without washing their hands and rubbed a little corn juice on it and BAM!, your covered in a rash, your skin is peeling off, etc.

Now, just imagine yourself and your guests who come over and imagine everything you touch all day long. Think about your living room and what you touch when you are in it. Put powder on your hands and try going through your living room one day. Your hands touch all over the place. Now, that favorite chair of yours is suddenly a toxic threat. It’s covered in poison.

People don’t understand that being allergic to some things actually turns that thing into poison to you. If I were to sit down and eat Doritos, it would be like consuming poison. If I ate peanuts (and I did accidentally), I would be in the hospital. If I touch turkey, I go into fits where I am gasping for air and I can’t breathe! While all of my allergies are not this extreme, for the ones that are this extreme, is it too much to ask people to have a little respect? A little common courtesy?

Is It Too Much To Ask?

It’s not like I go into a restaurant and ask people not to eat their food in front of me. I don’t go to people’s houses and ask them to not eat in front of me. I am in my apartment. I am asking you to not contaminate my living space, my safety zone… my “bubble”, if you want to call it that. Is that too much to ask?

23 Days of Not Smoking!

Today is the 23rd day of not smoking. I have to say, I was warned about getting depressed when you quit. I never really thought about it when I quit before, but this time it is hitting me. I think it might have something to do with no income, no hope of income, hungry all the time, trying to make bracelets to sell, and all the other crap I am going through right now. But man, it is hitting me. I will be walking to the store today for some catnip so I can make catnip tea. <— Great tip for depression!

Catnip tea is wonderful for me. I don’t know if anyone else drinks it, but I LOVE IT! It all started some time ago when my kids and I were discussing drugs and drug use. We talked about meth, cocaine, heroine… I can’t remember them all. But we discussed them, their side effects, and looked at pictures of people who did drugs. This was for a homeschooling moment, I think it was partly health and partly culture (but I can’t remember how, it’s been awhile).

When we got to the topic of marijuana, we were talking about Washington state and Colorado legalizing pot use. I told them, since I want to be honest with my children, that I never really understood all the hoopla about pot and why it’s illegal (we’ve researched… leaving politics off my blog!) and I also told them that if it were legal, I would either smoke it or get some of the oils or lotions that help with pain. I would totally go there! I also told them that I don’t smoke it ONLY because it is illegal… no other reason.

I smoked pot when I was 26 for severe migraines. The doctors gave me medicine for them but the medication knocked me out and I could not function. I had two little kids I was raising on my own and I needed to be conscious and able to sort of function. I smoked pot. It worked. One joint smoked and my migraines disappeared for MONTHS! So I didn’t smoke it daily, I smoked it when my migraines hit. I was having them daily before smoking pot. Then I figured out it was soy causing the headaches. I eliminated soy from my diet, no more migraines. No more need for pot either.

We discussed this a long time. My oldest son was curious if there was something that helps like pot and he researched and somehow ended up on a page about catnip. I made some into a tea and was pleasantly surprised at how nice it tasted. Okay, I lied… with enough honey, it tastes pretty good. By itself, not so much. But I was SO HAPPY! I felt great! And so now, I drink catnip tea for depression. It also makes it easier to breathe. I love catnip tea!

And this week, I am getting laundry caught up, dishes sorted through, and my bedroom cleaned. Since Marie moved in, we are sharing a room and I want the place cleaned up! I say that now, but considering I can only clean for about an hour or two a day before I hurt so bad I can’t function anymore, I am probably going to get half that done. I am working on it though. I am working through my pain. I am waiting for disability to figure something out. I am waiting for life to give me a break. I am waiting to win the lottery (it would help if I played)… I am just blah.

I know that spring is coming and I am not looking forward to it. The allergies going crazy, the sun coming out more, the heat coming back. This is not my favorite time of year… at all. I always get depressed this time of year. I am going to go make brownies.

Setting My Quit Date to Quit Smoking

As a present to myself this Valentine’s Day (funny, I don’t celebrate it, but hey! What a great day!) I picked today to be my quit date to stop smoking.

This last class we went over our quit plan. We also went over short-term rewards and long-term rewards. My short-term Stop Smoking reward will be chocolate, a pizza party (beginning of next month), and getting to dye my hair. Dying my hair will probably be a little further out, like about two months, but I look forward to it! My long-term goal is going to be a book for myself called “365 Days of Fresh Air”. Each day (or close to it) I will journal my experience, draw, create, write a poem, or do something to mark the time passing; and at the end of the year (Next February 15) I will it into a book form, self-publish it, and buy a copy to keep and show off.

As a reminder of how far I have come with quitting smoking, I will make a bead for every day I don’t smoke and put it in a mason jar. I got the idea from “switched At Birth” where Bay’s birth mom tells her about being an Alcoholic. She tells her about these chips she gets and keeps out in her living room, that help her visually see to help remind her of how far she has come. I don’t have chips but I do love making beads! So each day I will add a bead to my jar to help remind me how far I have come in my journey to not smoking. And since “quit smoking” and “not smoking” are so negative, I am renaming the whole concept for myself. It is now “breathing fresh air”.

I’ll update on how it goes. That is one of my ways of dealing with the stress. Journal more!