I didn’t post this week because of this. I thought I would share why.
Back Story – Before the ER Trip
I was having a blast with friends when I cross contaminated the pan I was using but didn’t realize it.
I figured it out a lot later. The oil brush I was using to coat the pan was the same one I used to coat the pan when I made pork for the boys. I made two batches of pork. I brushed the pan with oil between batches. The brush ended up with pork juices on it… and then I forgot to put it in the contamination sink OOPS!
So I am cooking, talking, and having a grand old time. My first tortilla gets done, the egg gets done (so that’s two things I have cooked in pork oil on both sides). I take a bite and swallow. I went to say something and as soon as I opened my mouth, I couldn’t breathe. At first I thought, “Must be something in my throat…” (why is that always my first thought???) and went for the sink to spit out everything in my mouth when I realized, DUH, I swallowed my food. I could feel that “marble stuck in my throat” feeling and I knew my throat was swelling… and it itched SO BAD!
AND Epi-pen to the leg!
At this point, my friend comes over and is cracking jokes about the Heimlich maneuver. When she sees me turning purple and asks in a serious tone, “Are you okay?” I managed to squeak out, “Epi”, and she went to get it. Of course, this is the one time I didn’t have my Epi-Pen on me in the kitchen.
I got the pen and stabbed myself in the leg and screw counting to ten. I just held it there until I could gasp for air in large quantities. Once I could breathe again, I did a quick count to ten then massaged the spot on my leg where I injected. My friend went to get my son and he helped me by getting the Benadryl. That’s when I noticed I was out of ranitidine (I found the back up bottle this morning. I have just enough to last until shopping day). I thought, “Meh. It’ll be fine.” and just took the Benadryl.
After 15 minutes (ish), I was still breathing okay. But, my throat still itched pretty bad (just not as bad as earlier). I was having waves of nausea so bad I was sure I was going to throw up any second.
Disclaimer: If you have to use your Epi-pen, call 911 and go to the hospital immediately. I have dealt with allergies since I was 9 years old. I know my body quite well. If I was responsible, I would go to the ER right away. But I deal with them often enough that I am not going to the ER every single time (even though I know I should).
“But Dotchi, how is this different from your regular nausea?”
With my regular nausea, it’s the nausea where you think, “Man. I feel sick to my stomach and if I could only puke, I would feel better.” It’s rather mild. This nausea felt stronger and I was getting the “bubble under the tongue” I get seconds before I puke. Then it would dissipate and I would feel okay, only to have it happen a minute or later.
So I decided to call 911 at with my son’s encouragement (read as: “Seriously mom! Just go to the hospital!”). I hate going to the hospital because of the fear that it’s going to be that one doctor. I have an extreme fear that the man is going to kill me one of these days. Let me rephrase that: I HAD an extreme fear…
The ambulance showed up and I felt better seeing faces of people that have taken care of me before. I have to say, when I see a nurse that is at the clinic I go to, it made me feel so much better (not physically – just mentally). I got my little puke bag JUST in case, and we headed to the ER.
At Cabinet Peaks Medical Center ER
When we arrived my throat was still itching, just not as bad, and I was still having waves of nausea. I already knew everyone there by name because of my other trips to the ER and they were all nurses I like. YEAH! I was just hoping it wasn’t that one doctor who I fear the most.
The doctor was THAT doctor. So I was expecting hell and a complaint form afterwards. Instead I got …. a top-notch experience.
Wait. What?
Yes! A good experience! He listened. He didn’t ignore what I was saying. He acknowledged my allergic reaction. He treated my reaction like I was expecting. He even came back in the room to make sure one of the medications was one I could have. It has dextrose in it (the non-dissolvable one does not but at the ER they have the dissolving tabs). Sometimes I have to pick my battles. I will take some pain and swelling over extreme nausea any day!
For those of you asking why I didn’t just smoke some medical marijuana for my nausea. I don’t take marijuana and Benadryl together. I don’t feel it is safe.
The whole experience went well. I got checked in by the nurse/ EMT. My youngest son met everyone during this process. I got hooked up to the EKG. My vitals were still good when checked. I saw the doctor. I got meds. I played 20 questions with my son. I felt better. I got released. There were NO ISSUES!
I… I am having conflicting emotions here. I am not sure what to think. I am so happy the doctor did a good job. I am cautiously optimistic that this is a good sign. I am going to check my records in a few days though. But… I am confused about this whole thing. He did good. He was polite. I am not sure how to react. I’ve spent the week thinking about it. I am just flabbergasted.
Anyway, back to the post…
“How are you now?”
The next day, the abdominal cramps hit and I was poofy like I expected. I stayed on Benadryl, Ranitidine, and Ibuprofen for the day. My liquefied insides fell out by the end of day two also. I felt like a truck ran my over. I felt HORRIBLE but, at the same time, better also. (That’s hard to explain) And my leg was tender where I injected my Epi-pen.
It’s been a few days since then. It happened on the 7th, I think… I lost track of days. Anywhoodles, over the next few days I recovered with no problems. I am now doing fine although I am a little rash here and there. Not sure what that is from. I think the two are unrelated? I can never tell with rashes.
But I had to share the good experience I had at Cabinet Peaks Medical Center’s Emergency Room. Plus, share the experience with the doctor because I am pleased with the experience.
I get questioned throughout the week about my blog and posts. My squirrel, Sparky, working in the background suggested that I make a post each week of the questions people asked. Her thinking was, if one person asked you, other people may want to know too. Good idea!
How is this different from MAILBAG! posts? These weren’t sent through email, comments, or any other social media site. These are questions my friends and family members asked in person, through text messages, or in chat.
Oh… this is long. Grab your coffee, chips, and popcorn. We’re going to be here for a while. I tried to make it short but I get long-winded to tell you about my adventures in Vitamin D.
RealMaryZ from The Bitchy Mama replied on my last post about Mushrooms and Vitamin D. Here is part of her comment.
…you can try sunshine, canned tuna, fortified milk, cereal and orange juice, egg yolks, cod liver oil, and ultraviolet lamps. Good luck!
Thanks RealMaryZ! I love it when people offer suggestions because I hope that someone has another idea of something I have missed. That’s how I found out about the mushrooms/ Vitamin D.
We made it home just fine. I am still exhausted from the heat and Benadryl. I have not been on that much Benadryl in a long time. I woke up each morning and took 50 mg of Benadryl. Then every drink I had (Pepsi, water, coffee, etc) had a 50 mg Benadryl mixed into it. And there were still days that my tongue and throat felt like it was swelling. My ankles and feet swelled from the heat so much that I could not put my crocs on. Don’t judge me. I have them for when my feet swell. Only I ended up wearing slipper socks because my feet wear so swollen my oversize crocs were too tight.
I spent most of the time in the apartment either crocheting, browsing Facebook, or playing Minecraft… and becoming seriously depressed. I spent a lot of time choking down tears and reminding myself that it was temporary and I would be going home soon. I have to say, the semi-colon project popped into my head a lot. I wasn’t suicidal! I want to stress that. Sometimes the semi-colon just reminds me that I can keep going because I have done it again and again… and when it looks horrible, it will get better.
Which brings me to this week. I am coming down off the Benadryl. I lost 3 pounds since I got home two days ago. I feel better pain wise and swelling wise but I still hurt enough that I am still choking down tears… even on Marijuana. I think I need to take extra doses. If I had the money, I would do that.
Today I have am appointment about my swelling and I am going to talk to my doctor about how I can’t get up for too long without my ankles swelling. I’ll see how it goes.
Wednesday I will be a bundle of nerves. I have my disability hearing. I just wonder how much Dr Vindictive screwed me over with his calling all my doctors, lying, and labeling me with a mental illness I don’t have. I keep hearing, “Oh you will get it this time! No problem!” But I am really disheartened and I have a seriously hard time believing it. If I don’t get disability, well, I will cry for about a week and then I’ll get my big girl panties on and… plan on homelessness. I do have a year or two before it will become a reality. I will have to file bankruptcy. I would say I would be hitting rock bottom but I am already there. I’ll just have to start decorating the bottomless pit and call it “no hope/ no job/ and no one will hire me”.
So, either the blog will start directing to more happy things that make me smile or I’ll start posting my preparedness of getting my van ready to live in. I am actually looking forward to it. No sarcasm. I have worked myself into excitement over the idea of living in a smaller space that will be easier to keep up with and having my own smaller home.
On Thursday I have therapy. I am going to be a bundle of nerves. This month has been hell on me. I have no idea of my future and I do not like asking for help.
I am still trying to think of things I can do to make money. Serious things. I am crocheting but if I made a scarf, I would have to sell it for like $50 to make any money at it. None of them really made it affordable for the buyer and NO ONE here wants to pay for your time, much less the materials. So I figured the prices at minimum wage ($8.05 here), $10 an hour, and $15 an hour. If it’s $8.05 then I will add in the material prices (of the yarn, I already have needles). At the other two, I will just eat the cost of materials.
A dishcloth took me an hour to make. I don’t think any dishcloth is worth $8.05 or $10 or $15. I may be undervaluing myself or my skill but would you buy a dishcloth for $8?
A scarf took me about four hours to make. Would you pay $32 for a scarf? Or $40? Or $60?
I decided to make a fun little lap blanket. It has taken me DAYS to make. By the time I am finished, my price just for my time will be something like $320 or $400 or $600. No one is going to buy a lap blanket for that price. Or would they?
I am just feeling like a failure. Well, not really a failure because I know I have talent and I do think I do a good job at things but nothing I do will realistically make me enough money to actually pay my bills.
I get really excited once in a while about something but it quickly fades as I realize the amount of opposition I am up against. Unless I charge like $3 an hour, I am not going to sell anything. I would have to live in my van anyway.
And if I don’t get disability, I am going to feel like a complete failure. I tried finding a job. But no one will hire me (I wouldn’t hire me). I tried applying at three places I know hire disabled people. They won’t even hire me because I am too much of a liability.
I tried pep talks like, “You can do it! You can find SOMETHING you can do for work… Hell, even your aunt with Downs Syndrome has a job.” Then it dawned on me. Even my relatives with disabilities have jobs and I am still over here like, “Hey can I borrow another $5? I ran out of soap and toilet paper.”
I am depressed. I’ll be totally honest. I cry a lot these days. My eyes burn from the tears now. But I keep thinking it will get better. The only thing is, it doesn’t get better. Talent is nice and all but it doesn’t pay the bills. Sure, I can make cool things but I wouldn’t make enough money to keep a cheap apartment much less pay the bills.
So… Wednesday either I can calm down and relax or I have a good breakdown and then plan to be homeless. Either way, I am due for a really good cry with snot bubbles and all.
There are things in day-to-day life that really annoy me. Here are my top ten in no specific order.
10 Things that annoy me #1: Leaving the door open
When people come over, I usually yell, “Come in!” because it’s less painful than walking over to the door. When I do this, I expect you to walk in and immediately shut the door. Most people I know will open the door full swing, walk in, and leave it hanging wide open for all the cats to escape. I am not chasing them. (You let them out. You bring them back.)
It’s not just when they are coming in either. I have had people who are leaving the apartment who stand there with the door hanging wide open while they say their last good-bye and tell me what they forget to tell me and say they loved the coffee. Do that shit BEFORE you open the door, THEN open the door, get the fuck out of my apartment, and close it as soon as your two feet are out in the hallway and your body is no longer obstructing the door.
Why do people do this? Seriously! WHY!? I don’t want the hallway heat in here. Shut the fucking door!
10 Things that annoy me #2: Sitting in my chair
If you come into my home, know that there are a few rules. No smoking inside. No vaporizing inside. No peanuts, turkey, corn, or perfume allowed. And don’t sit in my chair!
I paid good money for a chair that works for my medical needs. It reclines, it has a heating pad, it has a massage feature, and it can stand me up when I can’t stand up by myself. I bought the chair specifically for me, not for my guests. I have a couch, two folding moon chairs, four dining room chairs, and two folding chairs that you can sit in. Pick one. But stay out of my chair!
If you don’t know this rule and you come over to visit and sit in my chair, when I say “get out of my chair” don’t argue with me. It’s my house! If I say get out of my chair, then GET OUT OF MY CHAIR! Don’t tell me no. I will kick you out in a heartbeat!
10 Things that annoy me #3: Wiping your hands on my furniture
Death in a bag
I get it. You guys love to eat your very unhealthy, triangular-shaped, orange dust holders. What most don’t understand is that crap is made from corn. Since people love to argue with about ingredients, here is a link to the ingredients list. Click the little circle that says “see the nutrition info” so that you can view the ingredients list.
It has corn meal, corn oil, maltodextrin (from corn), and corn flour. How is this NOT made from corn?
If you remember up above, one of the things on the list is “NO CORN” for our apartment. That is because corn burns my youngest son’s skin like acid. He is very allergic to it.
So when people come in to visit with Doritos or Cheetos, I get upset. But when I find that dust shit on my furniture, I get angry. I have to disinfect the couch when you do that. Why can’t you just use a napkin… or not bring it in my house? Respect people and their allergies.
10 Things that annoy me #4: Arguing with me about food
I don’t care what you think when it comes to food. I have read the ingredients. I know what is in the food I am eating and in the food you are bringing into the house. Arguing with me is just going to piss me off. I am thinking of this scenario:
Friend: Want a piece?
Me: No thanks.
Friend: Why? Are you allergic to it?
Me: Yea. I am.
Friend: But I thought you could have [food they are eating]
Me: That’s store-bought so it has [ingredient I am allergic to] so I can’t have it. I can have it if I make it from scratch though.
Friend: No, it does not have that in it. It’s [name of food]. It doesn’t have [ingredient] in it.
Me: Read the ingredients.
Friend: *reads ingredients* Oh. Wow. I didn’t know that was in there. Weird.
I know! It’s like I have read the ingredients a thousand times over a decade and actually know what’s in the food you are eating better than you! WEIRD!
Or another example… and remember… this is a REAL conversation. I shit you not.
Friend: We should have spaghetti and meatballs this weekend. *holding up wheat pasta*
Me: I am allergic to wheat.
Friend: Oh, what happens if you eat wheat?
Me: First puking. Then I go into delayed anaphylaxis.
Friend: Oh that sucks! We need to find a spaghetti noodle you can have!
Me: They have rice noodles I just don’t have the brand I like right now.
Friend: Well we can find something here so you can have dinner with us this weekend.
Me: It’s a lot harder than you think it is.
Friend: OH! I know! We can get a box of that whole wheat pasta and make that for you.
Me: But I am allergic to wheat.
Friend: Yea, but it’s WHOLE wheat so it’s healthy.
Me: But I am ALLERGIC to wheat.
Friend: But if we get WHOLE wheat, you’ll be able to eat it.
Me: That’s not how it works. It doesn’t matter if it’s healthy. If I am allergic to it, then I can’t eat it.
Friend: Well, maybe just eat a little bit then.
Me: I would still go into anaphylaxis.
Friend: Even with whole wheat?
Okay, maybe I should just change this one to “Things that annoy me: Stupid People.” instead.
10 Things that annoy me #5: Having to click more than one link
I hate it when I am searching for something, like a recipe, and I click on a page in Google search. It takes me to the page but it’s just a post about how they tried the recipe and loved it. It was actually on this blog and then has you click there. So I click on that link only to find that it was another blogger and they were posting how they like it but next time they’ll change it to… CLICK… and there is the recipe… sort of. It’s actually the step-by-step guide to how this person does it. And click! And there is the recipe.
Why is it so hard to just post a link to the recipe in your blog instead of having us click through an ocean of blog posts? I end up doing this for crafts and patterns too. It is so freaking annoying. I just want to make a crochet dick! Why do I have to click on every person’s post about how cute their crochet manhood is when I JUST WANT THE FREAKING PATTERN!
And deep breath in…
10 Things that annoy me #6: When you think I should be able to XYZ
If I had a dollar for every time I hear someone says, “Well, this person is allergic to blablabla but they can eat it”. I would be a billionaire 30 times over. Just because that person is mildly allergic to the same thing I am, does not mean that I can do what they can. It also doesn’t mean we have the same reactions to the same allergen.
The time I am thinking of is when someone told me, “Well, this person is allergic to the sun and they went biking 10 miles (or whatever it was).” Well, That person is sensitive to the sun and their symptoms are mild and not at all horrible.
Want to know what happens when I go in the sun too long? See that picture? 20 minutes in the sunshine does that to me. If I medicate quickly, it doesn’t get too horrible. If I don’t, it BURNS! It hurts and feels like acid is being poured on my skin. It usually means I have a heat reaction too which leads to angioedema attacks and epi-pens and rides to the ER in an ambulance.
It’s not worth it. And no, I don’t want to sit in the shade and watch everyone else have fun. Thanks anyway.
10 Things that annoy me #7: People who won’t shut up!
I’ll admit it, I have my chatty Cathy moments. I can talk up a storm at times. But when I am watching a movie, if someone starts talking, I get really annoyed. I want to be able to hear what is going on and you talking all through it is annoying. I can’t hear what they are saying when you are blabbing in my ear.
Especially if you are telling me what is about to happen. If I wanted to hear you tell me about the movie, I’d sit and listen to you instead of watching the movie. If I am watching the movie, assume I can figure out the plot from watching the movie without your commentary.
Or, the other one that drives me nuts… when you are looking for something and you are walking around giving a running commentary.
“Okay. I looked here. I even lifted up the paper just in case. Gah! I can’t believe I lost it. It has to be here somewhere. Maybe if I check in the kitchen. I don’t think I was in there but… I’ll look anyway. Oh em gee! Marvin is going to be irritated. This is the fifteenth time that I lost it just this week.”
Shut up. I don’t need to hear your thought process. In my defense, with the chronic pain, I get sensory overload quickly. I can only handle so much noise. But having a running dialog with yourself if really annoying!
10 Things that annoy me #8: Saying you can drive me, then backing out last-minute
I can’t drive anymore because I have epilepsy. That means I am dependent on everyone else for a ride to my doctor’s appointments. I would take public transportation here but 1) You have to set up an appointment for your ride with 24 hours notice or more and 2) They are not understanding of heat allergies… at all. Because I like to not have to stab myself in the leg with an epi-pen, I ask friends if they can drive me. I pay them whatever Medicaid will reimburse me for transportation.
And what happens about 70% of the time? The person backs out last-minute, with less than 12 hours until my appointment, and leaves me scrambling to find a ride. Never freaking fails either! Why? If you say you can drive me, why back out last-minute? That is rude and not a very good friend. I could see if it were an emergency. I wouldn’t even complain about it if it were. But some of the excuses make me think that I am not really that important. Here are some of the excuses.
Oh. I forgot. (When I reminded the person weekly, then daily)
My friend needs to borrow my car. She hasn’t visited her mom in about a week.
I just don’t want to. In fact, I didn’t want to in the first place. I just didn’t know how to tell you. How about saying, “I don’t want to.” when I ask.
I don’t feel like going today.
I told someone else I would ride with them to Idaho and I would feel bad if I told them no.
And people wonder why I don’t like people. And people wonder why I don’t feel loved or important to others. And people wonder why I have low self-esteem.
10 Things that annoy me #9: People who steal from me or lie to me
This has to do with trust. I tend to trust people I meet, as a general rule. It annoys the hell out of me when people lie to me though. I am not sure if it’s because they lied or because they thought I was stupid enough to believe their line of crap. This goes for people who change their stories too. I may not say anything to you about it, but trust me, I caught your lies and story changes.
I also don’t understand why people steal from me. I have had jewelry go missing, clothes, bags of clothes, medications, entire rolls of trash bags, toilet paper rolls, bottles of shampoo, dishes, SD cards … The list is long. I could fill and entire post with things stolen from me. The thing I don’t get is… if you asked, I would give you the shirt off my back. There is no need to steal. Hungry? I will give you food. Tired? You can sleep on my bed. Need a blanket? I have plenty. Thirsty? I will give you a cup of water or coffee… and you can keep the cup.
The only thing people do by lying to me and stealing things from me, is they lose my trust. That is VERY difficult to earn back. I will probably never trust you again. More than anything, it annoys me that people are dishonest to me.
10 Things that annoy me #10: Reading over my shoulder
This is what I want to do to someone when they read over my shoulder… right here.
If I am on my computer or phone, don’t read over my shoulder. I am a private person. I like to browse the Internet without everyone looking over my shoulder. It’s rude.
I have a personal bubble and I don’t like people in that space. for this very reason, I have my chair in a corner of the living room so no one can stand behind me, breathing down my neck, viewing my Facebook as I scroll or support board that is pretty personal.
What I am doing on my computer is none of your business. So when people sit down on the couch next to my chair and stretch their neck over to see what’s going on and see what I am typing, it is annoying as hell. STOP THAT! It’s none of your business what I am doing on here. I should not have to hide my porn Facebook feed or chat from people!
There you have it. I got it off my chest and I feel better!
When I started planning this post, I realized that it would be different depending on the circumstance.
Was I on death row, for some reason, and I would be dead at the end?
Was I deciding to become Breatharian, and live as long as I could on light and air alone?
Did I just learn that I would have to have my stomach removed and I would be fed from a G-tube forever?
Was I trying to escape from some evil organization and food was my way out?
Am I just suicidal and want to die happy for one moment? (Note: I am not suicidal nor could I ever kill myself)
The reason for this is, some food can kill me. Literally. For example, I could die if I eat peanut butter, turkey, or soy. So if I am trying to kill myself, I would have one meal. BUT, if I was trying to live afterwards, I would want a different meal.
Here are the two menus.
Menu 1: I want to live
My last meal… minus the gravy and mashed sweet potatoes
I would have homemade BBQ sauce on slow cooked chicken. Or maybe a nice slow cooked roast. Or maybe both. My favorite veggies are broccoli and sweet carrots, southern style, so I would of course have those. My homemade macaroni and cheese is a must! And homemade gluten-free biscuits. Not shown: I would also have mashed sweet potatoes with gravy flowing over them that I would dip my biscuit in before eating. Oh man, I can almost taste the BBQ sauce just thinking about it.
Menu 2: All caution to the wind! Here I come sweet release of death!
The second menu doesn’t have a picture because I would die if I tried making it. Instead here is a clip art of a sandwich.
If I were planning on dying, food really wouldn’t be that option because dying of anaphylaxis or slowly suffocating to death would be on my list of ways I don’t ever want to die. But, pretending that my life turns into a horrible movie and death by sandwich looks like the only option out my menu would be…
One, maybe two, bites of a turkey sandwich. My sandwich would have wheat bread, mayonnaise made with soybean oil, raw tomato, turkey slices, american cheese, and mustard. It would have to be made by someone else because I would start gasping for air before I ever got to take the first bite if I tried making it myself.
I say “one, maybe two, bites” because it doesn’t take long to start gasping for air when I touch turkey. Without an epi-pen, I would suffocate to death not long into my loaf of loathing and my nightmare inducing situation would probably end with my body being dumped on a jogging trail somewhere.
And trust me when I say this part… if my body is found on a jogging trail, I was killed and dumped there!
Yesterday I had my last speech therapy appointment in K-town. It was my last one and I am quite pleased with it. I learned that I remember better by association. When she gave me a list of words, if I could associate them with me I could remember them. Although yesterday I missed three, I am chalking that up to the heat and Benadryl. Last week I got 10 out of 10.
The other activities for remembering, I sucked at. One was just looking at the picture and trying to remember details. Then she would ask me about things in the picture. It went something like this:
JM: What was the picture about?
ME: A kitchen.
JM: Good.
ME: *Smiling all proud*
JM: What shelf were the canisters on?
ME: Oh, the top shelf! (Because my brother has similar shelves and it reminded me of his kitchen.)
JM: What was in the canisters on the shelf.
ME: *thinks* Coffee. I remember that one. Uh, I am not sure what the other ones were. I just really want some coffee LOL.
JM: *giggles* Flour and sugar. That’s okay. Next question, where was the clock?
ME: Wait. There was a clock? Seriously? Where?
JM: Yes, it was on the stove.
ME: Oooooh. *feeling dumb or unobservant*
JM: That’s okay a lot of people miss that one.
Oh sure… thanks for lying to make me feel better. LOL just kidding, they probably do. She showed me the picture afterwards so I could see the things I missed. I did okay on it. The next one was a bakery. I did meh on that one (because how often do I go to a bakery?) The pool picture I did pretty awesome but I grew up around pools and man did that bring back memories. After that, she switched to association because I do so much better with that. Last week I remembered 10 out of 10 words.
She said I am actually at the higher functioning stuff which made me feel better about myself. I did one sheet where if there was a box around the word, you read the color of the word. If there was no box then just read the word. Man, that was hard!
[red] Green <— These would both be “red”. They had green and blue also.
So, I may be forgetful, but now I have some tools for me to practice to help me remember stuff. Some stuff I remember with no problem. If they are number related, then I remember it easily. What time did Dr N add that diagnosis? 0532 on 24 March 2015. What did I have for lunch that day? I have no idea.
At least with this and the grouping exercise, I can work on remembering things and I don’t feel like a complete failure.
As a side note: yes, I realize that some of you will be able to figure out where these places are. I am not writing them out as K-town, L-town, etc to hide anything from you. I am just doing that because I like the sound of it. Also, I am writing a book where I am basing the layout of the camps on the real towns of Kalispell and Libby. (See, not trying to hide). Since I write here and in the book about the same times each day, it’s easier for me to write K-town instead of Kalispell or the name of the town for the book (which starts with K for now). I found myself writing Kalispell in the book and vice versa when I tried to write on here and in the book. Besides, K-town and L-town just sound nice to me.
And the pain was totally worth it!
So, yesterday, I did have a ride (THANK YOU, R*!) from L-town to K-town at 3:30 in the morning. Then I slept a little on and off. When I got up, I found out that the vehicle was unavailable for dropping off at the appointment. I had looked up the bus system down there the night before so I had a mini-backup plan. V* ended up dropping me off for my appointment (THANK YOU V*!) and I decided to use that time to hunt down that diagnosis on my medical record.
Went to my appointment, walked to the hospital’s medical records, walked over to the HIT department, and then back to medical records with HIT. I have to say, those two ladies were so nice! Everyone was so nice yesterday, but the HIT ladies were so super nice and helpful. Everyone should be like that! Back to the story, so I explained what I was looking for and they found it, had a print out (which I now have) that links the diagnosis to Dr N.
I found it interesting that we had such an issue finding it in my chart that we could only link it back to MB (from 04/06); but he put it in my chart from “old records”. How did he see it and we had to have someone spend an entire day searching for it because it wasn’t obviously in the chart? It almost feels like it was hidden in the chart (doubt that was purposely). Which begs the question… how did MB find it? Or did he actually talk to Dr N about it? Because I have to records he would have seen and it is NOT in there. I had two other people helping me search for it.
Anyway, now I have that. I went to the bus shelter and waited for the bus to Whitefish (sorry, no cute name for that one, it’s not in the book yet… YET). It was so hot outside I was feeling sick and itching like crazy. I had my sleeves on though and I stayed in shade when possible… so it’s not like I was in the sun on purpose. But ugh, I feeling miserable for a bit. I did take Benadryl, which made it really difficult to function but made my day better. Note to self: next time take your umbrella!
Train Station and Pictures
I sat at the Whitefish train station from 4:30 pm until the train got there. It was so neat listening to everyone talk about their travels. One couple has a rail pass and is hoping the trains and stopping every now and then for a day or two. I so want to do that! Another guy was going to see his girlfriend, who is pregnant. He was in K-town for a day. Another couple were going to visit Spokane for a fun weekend. There was a lady who was visiting her kids and was now leaving. Another guy works in one state but comes home every couple months. Then there was me. Had a doctor’s appointment. Needed a ride back home. I did walk to a health food store and grabbed some yogurt at one point.
The only thing I regret is that I forgot my camera! I snapped a few pictures on my phone though. They aren’t as great… but I will get to that later. Here are some pictures! Before you look at them, let me just say that I didn’t realize how bad my camera on my phone is until I actually took pictures with it. So sorry in advance.
Here is the train station outside area where we waited for the train.
Whitefish, Montana train station
Here is a BEAUTIFUL piano. I will have to get better pictures of it.
Elegant piano at Whitefish, Montana train station.
And this is the scales in the station. They don’t use these anymore, they are just there for museum awesomeness. Although, one lady did stand on them and let her boyfriend weigh her. She said she gained 20 pounds on this trip. LOL
Whitefish, Montana train station scale.
Back to the train, It was running behind because of two medical emergencies and a drunken disorderly. We left about 11:23 and made it back to L-town at 1:16 in the morning. I was on the upper level (I asked for lower but it wasn’t on the ticket).
Between all the walking in K-town around the hospital, the bus ride, sleeping on a bench (the Benadryl kicked in), and riding a train… all while carrying my backpack… today my back is killing me! I probably won’t do much the rest of the day. I am resting so I don’t seriously hurt myself. That is where I got the post title from. It was a LONG day! It was tiring. The Benadryl kicked my ass. I am having horrible abdominal cramps and diarrhea from the heat (I know… TMI). I cried this morning from the pain… but I have marijuana! I can get through this!
And now… the worth it part…
Because of this nice reminder that I have a way to not be in agonizing pain, I realized I can do more than I could before. So, next week I have an appointment for a gastric emptying study on Wednesday. I am going to get a ride to the hospital, get the test done, throw up (because I will have to eat food), and then wait for the bus again. This time, I am going to Whitefish with umbrella and Benadryl, and I am taking my camera with me too and a folding chair too.
I am totally going to make a day out of taking pictures and chilling in the shade (assuming it isn’t too hot). If it gets too hot, I can always go wander through a store or museum. Then I can ride the train back to L-town again. Only this time I am bringing a rolling thingy to put my backpack on. That is too much for me to carry! Lesson learned. And I am bringing a folding chair because there were a few times I really needed to sit down but there wasn’t a good place to sit, or there wasn’t a place with a back rest … which I am sure didn’t help with the back pain.
And hopefully a folding chair will make it to where I don’t have to bring a rolling walker. I hate that thing and love it all at the same time. I haven’t needed to use it except when they had me stop marijuana for 10 days (and I lasted four). Before that, I stopped using it about two weeks into using marijuana. the swelling in my back had gone down and I could actually feel my legs better (which was good and bad LOL) and they stopped giving out on me. If I can avoid using it again, I totally will! I hated using it. It was embarrassing and I felt like less of a person.
Mentally, I feel so much better for being out yesterday and seeing people and getting to see places and I feel like I traveled (which I ABSOLUTELY miss the most!) If I had money, I would totally hop a train to somewhere and go explore and come back since I can’t drive anymore. But this makes getting out a lot more realistic and makes me feel less trapped. Trapped? No… stranded? no… there is a word. I can’t find it.
Update: HOMEBOUND! Thank you, Lakewolf! That is the word I was looking for!
One thing I will change though, I want a lower level seat! climbing stairs up is okay but slow. Going down them about kills my knees, especially after a day of walking around for any reason. I will still need a day (or two) to recover but this is so worth it. Just to get out and do something fun is what I needed.
I know this was long, but I feel so rejuvenated. I won’t be able to do this often but at least it is something to look forward to.
I thought I would take a moment and post a rambling about pain. I think the last few days has been horrible because my pain levels are somewhere between “Owie” and “EFFING SHOOT ME!” Right now, my lower back and hips feel like they are on fire with a sharp, piercing pain. My upper back still hurts just not as bad today. Of course, I took muscle relaxers so I will be fine eventually.
Just when I thought the pain was subsiding, I started sneezing from outdoor allergies. Man, that was something else. Usually it’s one or two, sometimes three, sneezes. This last set LMAO, it was like my brains were trying to escape. My sinuses actually hurt a little from it. But this pain I can handle. It’s more annoying than anything.
But sitting here, it started me thinking. Why am I in so much pain? I mean, I know that I hurt a lot, but it seems like lately, it is full body pain. Head to toe, feels like I got hit by a Mack Truck. My spinal bones feel like they are breaking, my muscles feel like they are burning, I can’t do anything without making the pain worse (and I mean ANYTHING) and I feel like my body is revolting against me.
Then I started thinking about it… Oh yea, it’s summer! No wonder I hurt so bad! But still, I shouldn’t hurt like this. I am wondering if it is linked to my vitamin D deficiency. I am off to research, because seriously, what else am I going to do?
And I decided to start a line of children’s books! Just a little something to keep me occupied. I’ll post more later.
Saturday was a busy day. It started out normal, like any other Saturday. Then Curly came over to talk to Marie. Curly mentioned that there was a lady at her house again. I was catching some of what was going on, but not all of it.
Let’s backtrack for a moment: the night before, at about 3 a.m., someone knocked at my door. Not too many people come over at 3 in the morning but I answered it anyway. This lady, we’ll call her Lela, is standing in the hall of my apartment building and looked like she was on something. She asked if Curly was here. I told her she had the wrong apartment. She was so wasted that she couldn’t comprehend what I was saying, then started to get upset, started rubbing her face and said “Sorry, wrong apartment.” I asked who she was looking for and she couldn’t answer that. Then she asked where the next apartment building would be. Really? She was so wasted she couldn’t walk outside and locate a BUILDING! I walked her halfway there and went back home.
Back to Saturday: So Curly wasn’t sure if it was the same lady or if it was someone different. Marie said she would go look and see. I just had this feeling in my gut so I handed my phone to Marie and told her to take it “just in case”. Then I went back to plunging laundry in the bathroom.
Marie and Curly left and after a while, Marie came back carrying Baby G, Curly’s son. My heart sank. I knew something was wrong. I asked what happened. Marie said that Lela choked on lettuce, or something, and they had to call 911. So I run over there.
The scene… the lady choked on a piece of lettuce because she took a handful of pills and chased it with vodka. We aren’t sure if she was trying to kill herself or what. I kicked into “get information/ keep her alert” mode. I sat on the chair and held her hand and asked her a ton of questions. She flat-out lied on a couple of them, but the rest were helpful. The EMT showed up and got her to the ambulance.
Before they left, we told them about the pills and vodka. Curly and Tom also told them that Lela was not allowed to come back.
After they left, we found out she had taken some of Curly’s medicine that she has for a legitimate reason and we also learned that she is homeless and mooched off people a lot.
I went back home to destress and finish the laundry. We were all a little freaked out about it. I was relaxing in my chair after laundry was done and decided to put the new ointment on my feet again. It’s a steroid cream that helps my eczema. I was hoping it would work and my feet would clear up nicely… I am not that lucky though. My feet kept burning and went into a gasping episode. I finally started putting two and two together and called the nurse hotline.
While on the phone with the nurse, she could tell I was having trouble breathing and told me to take my epi-pen. I don’t like to take my epi-pen because I spend so much time second guessing myself. Am I REALLY in need of the epi-pen? Or is it “all in my head”? If I take it, will they just lecture at the hospital or will I be taken care of? Do I really need it or am I just over-reacting?
Ah, the life of the psychologically abused. I tend to never trust myself with my health. Leave a dying woman in my care, I am right there in full crisis mode ready to help! Leave me alone in an acute allergic reaction, I will question and second guess until it turns into a real emergency because I have been conditioned never to trust myself, my instincts, and to doubt everything I think. I need to work on that.
I did call 911 from my son’s phone, and I was on the phone with 911 when the phone decided to reboot on me. Completely disconnected my call. You would be amazed at the response time when you are on the phone with 911 and the phone goes dead while you breathlessly explain that you took an epi-pen dose from allergic reaction. It was SO fast! I tried calling back on my phone but it wouldn’t connect. Or so I thought.
But the ambulance showed up and they got me loaded into the rig. Started taking vitals and my phone rang. It was dispatch. I explained that I was the one who called before, my son’s phone disconnected, and I was in the ambulance and was okay. She was pleased to hear that and we hung up.
I spent two hours at the hospital being monitored since I also took Diphenhydramine before they got there. I ended up getting home late at night with all the kids that showed up at the hospital. I think I traumatized poor LeBraun (who watched me shot myself with my epi-pen). And Marie got to the hospital and said “I leave for TEN MINUTES and when I come back there’s an ambulance! TEN MINUTES!” LOL Poor girl, she was a little freaked out.
Leeli is still talking about the IV I had in my arm LMAO! That poor kid. He was so grossed out.
Sunday was a sleep day and a “finish the laundry from yesterday” day. I have to make an appointment for my follow-up now and I have therapy later today. I’ll also see if there is something else I can do for my feet.
But for now, I am off to sleep a little more. I am so tired!
I am not sure what is wrong with me but, I am really agitated the last few days. Everything is making me angry and it’s little stupid things too. It’s not just the big stuff. Yesterday I made a batch of brownies. I REALLY wanted some brownies! I miss my homemade brownies that I made when I lived in Tennessee. Those are made with wheat flour though. So I have tried new recipes now and then to find one that is just as good as mine.
Testing… and failure!
The batch came out of the oven and looked like melted chocolate lava. It was bubbly and liquid like with a crunchy island crust on the top. I waited about 2.4 seconds before trying it anyway. I blew on it. I ate a bite. Then I spit it out. It tasted horrible! I wanted GOOD brownies. These tasted just like box brownies (which I hate the taste of). So… everyone else loved them. But, I was so disappointed I could have cried. I wanted delicious, ooey gooey goodness filled brownies that melt in your mouth and make ice cream on top, covered in chocolate syrup, look and taste like a little slice of heaven. I wanted brownies that make you want to orgasm in chocolate flavored deliciousness when you sink your teeth into it. I did NOT want brownies that tasted like they came out of a box. I was so sad and angry… it was actually probably a bit of an overreaction, to be quite honest. But I miss brownies!
You have no idea how hard it is to not eat food that you enjoyed and you miss.
I have a rule of not bringing food into my house. Everyone breaks it. And I do mean everyone. I don’t mind my roommate bringing in food because 1) she is careful and 2) she asks before she brings it in. But it irritates the core of my very being to sit and watch people eat. I have tried to do the whole mind-over-matter, telling myself that “they are eating poison”, finding an alternative that works just as well, and other things that do help. But there are some things you cannot replace. How do you replace Doritos? You don’t. And they make a mess. Days after they are eaten, I am still cleaning up orange, toxic powder from all over the living room furniture. I am not being dramatic. I am being serious. It leaves welts on my son’s skin.
I also don’t like it when people bring their sandwiches over. My roommate is the only person who is super careful about it. Other people bring their sandwiches here and when they leave, I am left cleaning up bread crumbs. My skin is currently peeling off my hand from this. Why do people not get this? Please stop bringing food into my house!How hard is this to understand?
Let’s Pretend with ALLERGIES! AKA If Your Life Sucked as Bad as Mine
Let me explain this a little better. Imagine that you are in a room with people. This room is in your house… we’ll pretend it’s in the living room. And every one of those people are going to sit in every seat in your living room, including your sacred chair. You know what I mean. That one chair that is your chair and your chair ONLY. That one that you paid a ton of money for because it stands you up, massages your back, and heats your back… yea, that chair. They are sitting in your chair.
Now, imagine your favorite food. That dish that, if you were a little hungry, you would gleefully devour in about 2 bites or less… plate, fork, spoon, and all. That dish that is your absolute FAVORITE dish of all time. That one that will never be the same if you change the ingredients. There is just no way in the world to replace this food. If you aren’t following me on this part, pretend it’s corn. Your favorite food is corn. Okay? And its powdery corn or something…
Now, imagine that you are hungry… just a little hungry. Not starving to death, just a little hungry. It’s right before dinner and food is cooking and you are looking forward to eating. Now imagine that each person broke out your favorite dish and all of them got a nice heaping serving of it and ate it in front of you while you got to eat… nothing. You get nothing. Okay okay! You can have a small cup of water with unflavored gelatin in it and maybe a smidgen of sugar. Now sit quietly and chew your sugar-water and quit complaining. Other people are happily eating your favorite dish. Quit being such a party pooper.
Wait… What?
Sounds harsh, right? You are thinking, “I wouldn’t do that to a friend!” and “How horrible!” or something like that. Well, the people I know just think “Meh, just cuz she can’t eat it, don’t mean I have to go hungry.” And then there is probably some of you who are thinking “just take a bite and take Benadryl!”
If you try to sneak a bite, your skin will peel off, you will vomit for 30 minutes, your face will swell until duck lips look tiny in comparison. You will be covered in a burning, itching rash and you will poop out the liquid acid of death. Your gut will cramp so bad that you will wish you were dead, or at least giving birth so you have a reward in the end. You will have a few moments where you cannot breathe at all and your entire body hurts so bad, all the way to your bones, that tears run down your purple face as you violently shake and you will start to wonder if you are going to pass out or start gasping for air first… It’s not worth it.
AND while you are watching everyone else eat, you pray to whatever god you worship that they clean up well when they are done. If they don’t, you will be walking through your house with a little mine field all around you. Touched a chair without realizing that they touched it without washing their hands and rubbed a little corn juice on it and BAM!, your covered in a rash, your skin is peeling off, etc.
Now, just imagine yourself and your guests who come over and imagine everything you touch all day long. Think about your living room and what you touch when you are in it. Put powder on your hands and try going through your living room one day. Your hands touch all over the place. Now, that favorite chair of yours is suddenly a toxic threat. It’s covered in poison.
People don’t understand that being allergic to some things actually turns that thing into poison to you. If I were to sit down and eat Doritos, it would be like consuming poison. If I ate peanuts (and I did accidentally), I would be in the hospital. If I touch turkey, I go into fits where I am gasping for air and I can’t breathe! While all of my allergies are not this extreme, for the ones that are this extreme, is it too much to ask people to have a little respect? A little common courtesy?
Is It Too Much To Ask?
It’s not like I go into a restaurant and ask people not to eat their food in front of me. I don’t go to people’s houses and ask them to not eat in front of me. I am in my apartment. I am asking you to not contaminate my living space, my safety zone… my “bubble”, if you want to call it that. Is that too much to ask?
Journal of a Crazy Woman 